Playing for the Democrats, we're down to just two contestants, each battling for the semi-final nominee round, and eventually, the coveted title of America's presidential rock star. Today's show will determine the face off nominee who will then go head to head with our Republican challenger.
America, are you ready? Over here, is our underdog contestant, the one with the least amount of votes heading into this week's next round of primaries. Give a warm round of applause for the junior senator from New York, Hill-a-ree Clin-ton!
Ooo. Eeek. Yech. One of our judges is headed for the door. Come back, sit down. You're not getting off that easy. Yes, I know the words are "...Oh say does that Star Spangled Banner..." not "...our Star Spangled Banner..." I don't know where she learned the words to the national anthem, but that's no excuse to be rude, now sit down. Guess that explains her Iowa results, though. Moving on...
Yee-owch. Even a Hillary fan thinks this tone deaf rendition of James Cleveland's Great Freedom Hymn is as corny Kansas in August. Not getting many brownie points for that one, I'm afraid. The judges don't look happy. You need to do some fancier footwork here, Hillary, if you want to pull ahead. What's that? You can dance, you say? I've gotta see that. Go ahead, show us your chops.
Oh my. This is not good. Not good at all. Fancy footwork is not supposed to be coming out of your mouth. Doublespeak is not a dance. What? You do impressions? Our contestant says she does impressions. She wants to do an impression, is that what you said, Hillary? She's shaking her head yes. Okay, audience, it's unconventional, but we're letting her go for it. Put your hands together for Hillary's world famous impression of iron lady, Imelda Marcos...
Is that some kind of sick joke, I mean, are we looking at some blooper reel here? What was that? The judges are shaking they're heads and my producer is urging me to move on. We're running out of time, audience, so let's give it up for our second contestant...the junior senator from Illinois, Ba-rack O-ba-ma!
Wow. Nice cameo. Powerful speaking voice. Engaging eye contact. Knows his lines without cue cards. I had no idea he could act, did you know Barack could act, judges? That's a big plus in this contest. The judges are all smiles, but our producer is moving this segment along because we're running out of time. On to Barack's next segment.
Oh yeah. Smack dat. Look at him. He's got groove. He's got feeling. Are you feeling this, man? I think I am. Studio audience, this is beginning to look like a no brainer. But wait a minute. Hold that thought. Looks like the contestants are taking matters into their own hands. They're having their own private discussion. Let's listen in.
Shut my mouth. Just look at how well they work together. My goodness. These two are virtually indistinguishable. When you put them right next to each other, Hillary's dissonant warblings are down right tolerable. The judges are nodding. It looks like these two may be on to something. The judges are getting ready to vote. They're turning their cards around. They're looking rather smug.
Holy moly! It's unanimous, folks. A dead heat. A tie! Meaning we go to our tie breaker round. Barack and Hillary will both star in our off, off, off-Broadway musical to break this lock. If we have to, we'll go all the way down to the wire, letting super delegate reviews decide. The way things look right now, we might not have a choice. Hey! No booing. No. I mean it. We here at Presidential Rock Star had a feeling it might come to this, so we are totally prepared. Take a peek at this outtake from the tie breaker off, off, off-Broadway musical, coming soon to a theatre near you.
What's that? Why of course, Barack has top billing. His agent said he wouldn't sign unless his name came before hers. But look, to be fair, the supporting cast is non-partisan. So, there you have it. Join us in August when super delegates reviews will be in, helping our judges decide which of these two talented contestant should move to the final round as our Democratic nominee.
Until then, this is your happy host from Presidential Rock Star with a friendly reminder for everyone in our television audience, "You reap what you sow, so better not sew a sow's ear." Toodle-loo!