Maryland Special Session - O'Malley Plays to the Choir


A three act play depicting inter-party dynamics in the Maryland General Assembly.

Act I, Scene III:
Democratic Governor Martin "Tony Tenor" O’Malley ran on a platform of tax and spend. Amazingly enough, the voters didn’t seem to mind.

Special Session. Day three. In this last scene of Act I, all eyes are upon Annapolis. Protestors rally outside the State House demanding accountability while Tenor and his cronies bunker down inside. Their mission: to fund proposed budget increases specifically designed to turn the Free State into the “Flee State.” At stake: the ability to borrow at negligible interest rates, to attract private sector business, and to keep the wealthier sectors of the population from migrating en masse.

State House office of Senator Bobby "Bobby Baklava" Zirkin, heir apparent to the throne (Bobby is being groomed to take over for Tony when the time comes for his final political ascent to the White House). The legislature is bracing for a turf war. Senator Nathaniel "Paulie Peanuts" McFadden and his capos, Senator Lisa "Salvio Dante" Gladden, and Baklava are railing against rival power monger, Comptroller Peter "Johnny Sacrimonious" Franchot, prime target numero uno for supporting the Chamber of Commerce position demanding fiscal restraint. Johnny’s capo, Senator Jim "Jimbo Leotardo" Brochin fired the first shot by derailing a committee report favoring tax increases with a pre-planned filibuster. Fading waves of Jimbo reading from Gone With the Wind can be heard in the background.

(Sal and Paulie storm through the stage door office with Bobby close behind. Bobby slams the door on a freckle-faced page who has trailed them down the hallway and tried to follow them inside. Bobby plops into his seat behind the desk. Sal and Paulie rest their weary hides on the desk edges)

Sal: Did I tell you what a no good dirty rotten weasel that Jimbo is. Turning his back on the family and breaking rank. It’s a disgrace I tell you, an utter disgrace.

Paulie: Tony’s gonna be plenty pissed, that’s for sure. What're we gonna do about this, Bobby?

Bobby (looking distressed): I don’t know, Paulie. I don’t know (begins tapping fingers). Without massive increases in state services, Tony’s a goner. I mean, who’s gonna vote for that clown in 2010 if the legislature doesn’t expand existing government programs and fund services traditionally paid for by the private sector?

Paulie: You mean who else besides people making minimum wage and illegal immigrants?

Bobby (glaring at Paulie): Shaddup, you yutz! Of course that’s what I mean. That filibuster is threatening this whole family’s re-election.

Sal: We’ve just gotta tax the rich and upper middle class out of existence. It’s our only hope for survival.

Bobby: Jimbo must be stopped. But how….

Paulie: I could surreptitiously let the air outta his tires. When he tries to drive back to his hotel tonight, boy, will he be surprised.

Bobby: Dumbkoff! You of all people should know he’ll only get a few hours sleep. Probably'll sack out in his office. You’ll have to do a lot better than that if you want to continue trading pork with me.

Sal: Wait a minute. Don’t you and Jimbo belong to the same temple? Couldn’t you concoct some kinda ruse like an emergency prayer meeting, say something like Israel being nuked by Iran?

Bobby: Oh, and now we all look alike and pray at the same place, huh? That’s cold, Sal, real cold.

(Just then, Tony bursts into the room and immediately slams the door. The three cronies jump to attention. Bobby vacates his seat in deference to the boss. Tony doesn’t have to be invited to sit down)

Bobby: Tony!

Paulie: Hey, Tone.

Sal: Tony. Am I glad you’re here. We’re sinking fast. We’re gonna be sleeping with the schaefers.

Bobby (very conciliatory): You have to understand, Tony, I had no idea Jimbo was gonna break rank. You’ve got to believe me. I did everything I could to muscle him into line. That sucker looked me straight in the eye and even said he didn’t care if the family ran someone against him in the next election…

Tony (breaking in): You mean like the Republicans are pulling in district one?

Bobby (pointing his index finger at Tony): Exactly, chief. (Seeming slightly relieved) Didn’t care a lick. Said he was going forward with the impasse because he loves this state and the people of Maryland and didn’t want to see all the good of our predecessors flushed down the toilet.

Tony (with a crooked smile): He said that?

Bobby (crosses his hand to his heart): On my bubby’s brisket.

Tony (shaking his head musing): He really said that? I can’t believe he actually said that. How dare he give that rival crew any credit (Getting a tough looking stance on his face). Well, I’ll show Benedict Arnold what happens to rats who jump ship. If he thinks we’re all just going to sit back and let those elite sacks of suck have their way with us, they are in for one rude awakening. Poor bastards. They don’t even know who they’re messing with.

Paulie (looking very confused): Who are they messing with, Tone? I thought they were messing with us?

Tony: That’s why I get paid the big bucks and you are just a peon. Oh, Paulie. Ye of alabaster eyes gleaming undimmed by human tears. Those idiots aren’t just messing with us. They’re messing with her!

(Bobby and Sal gasp and cover their mouths simultaneously)

Paulie: Her?

Sal: Not her, Tony. You can’t mean her.

Bobby: You mean, “She Who Shall Not Be Named?”

Tony (jumping out of the chair and buttoning jacket): That’s exactly who I mean, Sal.

(Paulie continues to look baffled).

Tony: She’s looking to our tiny blue state as a role model for socialized government. You realize, of course, I took the lead in publicly support her campaign for President.

Paulie (suddenly getting it): Oh….

Tony: That’s right. And if this hurry up and decide gamble of mine doesn’t put the screws on those pansies to hike the sales tax, individual and corporate income tax and transfer tax, gouge those rich MoCo’s for every cent we can shake, expand free health care, and stick the voters with slots, well…all I can say is…heads are gonna roll (pause)...lliterally.

(Complete tangible silence. Paulie gulps, wide-eyed)

Paulie: I like my head right where it is.

Bobby: So, if I’m hearing you correctly, Tony, what I think you’re saying is, if we want to nip this problem in the bud, we’d better get our butts back out on that floor.

Tony: Not exactly, Bobby, it’s a bit more complicated than that. But if I waste any more time explaining how to twist arms to you lamebrains, Moonshine Mike might defect to the other side. Just follow me, quickly. Do what I say and do as I do. And don’t any of you open your fat mouths, you got that?

(All nod like sheep and fall in line behind Tony strutting toward the exit. As the stage door opens, each one passes the freckle-faced page who is still standing on the other side in the hallway. Fearing possible retaliation, the page’s head faces straight down to avoid possible eye contact)


"I Got A Rock" And Other Halloween Treats

I've been holding back some stuff for tomorrow's fright fest. Once it's Halloween, this year will go on the fast track to New Year's Eve. Thought it might be nice to take a brief breather, starting with that coke machine - a stand in for the temporarily discontinued Whose Shoes game.

Look Ma, no hands

Ginny Weasley must have taken a wrong turn during her last quidditch match. I heard rumors to the effect that Dumbeldore's coming out party and the end of the popular series turned Mrs. Potter into a functioning alcoholic. Must have tried too hard to catch that dern snitch.

Ssssshhhh - don't tell Harry! He's got his hands full with Hagrid making unwanted advances
In a never ending quest to rid the world of malevolence, The New Fantastic Four do battle against the evil alien clone (emphasis on "new"). A fantasy film without thrills and chills. Doesn't actually fit the Halloween theme, but fancy footwork makes this clip too catchy to overlook.

Here's a real treat. It's me in my Halloween costume. I thought I'd hit the bars as Ruth Buzzy this year. Is she even alive? How I miss the old bag.

I'll end with a memorable viral vid, right on the money for those who revel in gore. Unfortunately, censors slapped it with an "R" before I had a chance to weigh in...[more]


Politicelebritopia Round-Up for October 29, 2007

The line separating politicians and celebrities so often becomes blurred. As they cross into each others' realms, mongrel spawn are born. Round-up from this past week includes:

1. Madame Tussauds opened another house of wax in Washington, D.C. This full sensory interactive museum is probably the only place in the world where both Katie Couric and J. Edgar Hoover can put visitors on the hot spot...[more]

2. Cate Blanchette's sons have problems differentiating the celebrity from the sovereign, but they’re only five and three years old. What’s everyone else’s excuse?...[more]

3. Whoever is running FEMA watches too much reality television. America’s civil servants turn their California wildfire response into a botched episode of Survivor...[more]

4. This Hillary screensaver is a riot. When maneuvered correctly, New York’s junior Senator looks quite happy to substitute bubbly balls for hubby Bill...[more]

5. Speaking of Bubba, at Hillary’s 60th birthday bash, good ol' Bill revealed aspirations to star in Billy Crystal’s next movie. You’ll never believe who tested for the part of Marilyn Monroe...[more]
6. The downside of socialized medicine is revealed as Keith Richards, Patricia Routledge, and Christopher Timothy march to protest the consolidation of hospitals in southern England...[more]

7. After toying with the idea of running for president, popular Comedy Central star, Steve Colbert, begins stumping in his home state of South Carolina. Guess he skipped the ending of that popular Robin Williams movie, Man of the Year...[more]

That concludes this week's edition of Bastard Child. Tune in again next week for more spawn from around the globe.

The Top 10 Salient Celebrity Smackers

They’re bowed, blown-up, full, curled, lush, luscious, rounded, snarled and salacious. Portals of communication and objections of obsession. Curio chambers of lips, teeth, and gums. I’m talking about salient celebrity smackers.

Many have undergone surgical enhancement, but those that stand head and shoulders above the rest deserve mention. Not because they’re pumped or pouty, but because certain mouths just got it going on.

The qualities of a standout are hard to pinpoint. It can be as simple as the way a celebrity speaks, or a more subtle allure like a dart of the tongue. Some attract without effort while others are conscious acts of creation. Many have quested for the gold standard and failed. Britney’s recent foray into collagen enhancement proves the allure cannot be purchased. It’s the original package or what’s done with it that counts.

Note to readers: After publishing this article, many of the following videos were removed from YouTube. Their shells remain to display the captured title. Substitute videos appear below. We apologize for the complete lack of consideration of some "too full of themselves" individual. Now back to the original article.

With so many to choose from, I decided to take a stab at whittling it down to the top ten. Here are mine in reverse order:

10. Barbara Walters - When the late Gilda Radner donned her wig and journalists clothing, she became the epitome of this “wiving wegend.” “Baba” started her career with an almost imperceptible impediment that quickly became the most “pwonounced” joke in show business. Fantastic footage of the late Madeline Kahn as Marlena “Mahwena Deuschman” Dietrich is a hilarious bonus.

9. Holly Hunter - I’m obsessed with this Academy Award winner’s mouth because I can’t quite identify the impediment. It’s a lisp, it’s a hollow whistle, it’s a gentle shushing’s... completely fascinating. Also cannot ignore the right corner droop and killer southern accent. John Henson takes a jab at her trademark drawl, but Holly fights right back. Watch the end for an impressive impersonation of the late Katherine Hepburn.

8. Donald Trump - Best scene on The Apprentice ever. I don’t know how he speaks through those rounded protuberances, but it’s an exaggeration screaming for attention. More recent clips of The Donald show a toning down of the pouty puss. Hmmm... must not have enjoyed all those SNL parodies.

7. Dolly Parton - Before too much tweaking turned her into a cartoon version of bonkers on a stick, Dolly’s southern twang, lopsided bite, shushing "sss," and lower right corner droop mesmerized millions. Here’s a wonderful interview of a younger Dolly showing why she’s known as the gal with a heart of gold.

6. Alicia Silverstone - Asymetrical smile. Top right sneer. Lips that practically cover the entire bottom of her face. When Ms. Silverstone smiles, she reveals the entire length of her upper gums. The only other celebrity who can make that claim to fame is Mr. Ed.

5. Liv Tyler - A clip of Liv and her family at the Gotham Magazine launch party. It’s not so much the extraordinary shape and size of her lips as they way she purses them when she speaks. Each wonderful genuflect and tongue dart is captured here in fire engine red. Loved where she chose to caresses the magazine cover and her special send off at the end.

4. Cher - Before earning her Academy Award, Cher was a celebrated recipient of Harvard’s coveted hasty pudding pot. Check out the formerly perky cupid bow, famous tongue thrusts, renowned lip licks, and occasional cheek puff. Love those pre-collagen days.

3. Sylvester Stallone - The come hither sneer, the tongue dart, the two finger upper stance, the purse, the right corner droop. Rocky is in fine form here. This clip includes highlights from Sly’s latest flick, Rocky Balboa, and news of another franchise sequel.

2. Mick Jagger - Mick practically gets naked with Tina Turner at this Live Aid benefit. The highlight comes about 1:55 in. Additional lingual acrobatics follow, but not one of them tops the 1:56 freeze frame. Note the exquisite upper lip furl. One of the sexiest pouts this side of the pond, it’s no wonder Mick’s lips make headlines around the world.

1. Angelina Jolie - Pursing, pouting, smacking, licking, rubbing, tapping, you name it, these lips do it and more. In this revealing interview of the woman heralded as “Sexiest Woman Alive” and “One of the Fifty Most Beautiful People in the World,” Jolie’s mouth stretches the width of her wide set eyes and length of her tapered fingers. Look for the Shiloh sequel in years to come.

Honorable Mention: Brigitte Bardot, Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bernhardt, Geena Davis, Sophia Loren, Eddie Murphy, Julia Roberts, Garry Shandling, John Travolta, Steven Tyler, Alfre Woodard.

Gone But Not Forgotten: Marlon Brando, Sammy Davis, Jr., Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Anna Nicole Smith.

Update: Well, as Gilda Radner's famous character Rosanne Rosanna Dana used to say, "It's always something." Somebody came snooping around for "Holly Hunter mouth droop" and a whole slew of these videos magically disappeared from YouTube. Must be somebody pretty powerful and/or incredibly sanctimonious. I just hope they're proud of themselves.

This article took many many hours to put together just so, but they obviously don't care. The right emphasis on a celebrity's mouth, the perfect camera angle, and overall illustration of my impressions... all of this matters in supporting the points made here.

It's not as if the people or conglomerates with rights to the footage will ever find an acceptable business model to make money off of it. Okay, maybe they will, but it will be peanuts in comparison to the joy those videos bring. Those precious moments are lost forever, maybe never to reappear. Making YouTube delete otherwise unavailable camera footage is just plain wrong, copyright laws or not.

The next time whoever you are orders footage removed, will you kindly leave a link in my comments section to wherever the video is now available, if at all? At least that way people who are truly interested will still have a chance to footage of these spectacular pusses in action.

FYI, here are some substitute videos, but they don't do justice to the originals. But what's another ten hours shaved off of my life, eh?




Sorry - post-collagen




Tatt's ink-redibly unfunny

The Sun recently printed an article about a man named Vince Mattingley and his tattoo. Since The Sun is a tabloid newspaper, I don't really believe the story. Then again, look at all the people I have documented here in my own site.

According to the article, means "Coca-Cola".

That is absolutely nonsense.

The two-character phrase actually mean "crooked official".

Plus, Coca-Cola is 可口可樂 in Chinese & コカ・コーラ in Japanese.

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal Back Together...Again

I wish these two would make up their minds. They're on. They're off. They're canoodling. They're not. Their reps confirm. Their reps have nothing to say. After a painful divorce, she needs to spend her free time with her children. He's a soul searching settling down kinda guy. She's not ready to bring him home to the kidlets. He's already planning a Thanksgiving homecoming.
Appearing together at the Italian premiere of their film, Rendition, Jake and Reese were reported inseparable and couldn't keep their hands off one another

Please. Somebody. Stop the madness. I have to get off.

Revel in the quirky chemistry. Trust again. Let the love vibes flow. Don't push too hard. Don't be so needy. Before fans can spurt "Gyllenspoon" all over the Internet, create something lasting. Make it work this time. Don't make me beg.

Call me a cock-eyed optimist, but I think there's more to these two crazy lovebirds than meets the eye.

Malibu Fires Send Mel Gibson Packing

I don't get it. Don't Malibu firemen understand that some stars don't need to be evacuated from encroaching flames?

Yep, it's true. The wildfires have spread to Malibu. However, unlike mere mortals, some people are more at home among the terrifying flames. Some, who have made pacts with you know who, truly relish the searing heat, attendant mayhem, and mind numbing destruction. Oh yes, there are a few.

To understand what I mean, take a good hard look at the subject matter of Mel's latest projects. Gore, torture, mutilation -- it's all there in living technicolor. When people begin to see Mel for who he really is -- a biggot spewing booze swilling hack with tons of money and no real friends to show for it -- they'll understand my disdain.

There are more important things in life than having gobs of money and a copious lifestyle. Like knowing when to keep yer trap shut. Mel must have missed that lesson. Probably too busy pitching whatever.

Steve-O Spotted Supporting New PETA Campaign

Yuk. Nasty tats. Give me fur any day
I’m not into the Jackass movies or their small screen progenitor, but can’t deny their popularity. One of the creative forces behind the mayhem, Steve "Steve-O" Glover, is a recent crossover to the blended netherworld of politicelebritopia.

I hope his participation in this PETA campaign draws much needed attention to senseless animal abuse. Otherwise, I couldn’t stomach the tats. Are those fur real? What some folks won’t do for free publicity and stuff.

Another saltier ad depicts Steve-O with salaciously steamy hot buns. Ah....sorry...I have a feeling Google wouldn't approve, so no reprint. Can't help but wonder whether the racier version should be credited to amazing camera work, frigid weather, or just a tiny tallywhacker.

Nobody Cares on October 23, 2007

I can't get my work done, my kid had an operation, the rented video is busted, and the downstairs toilet is not only stuffed up, but the flushing handle doesn't work.

Nobody cares.

Likewise, nobody cares about these culled tidbits from around the blogosphere:
1. J.Lo is preggers. Duh. Do we really need an announcement [ more...]?

2. After transmorgifying her image from this to this, we all know Tara Reid is just a washed up has been in bimbo's clothing. Everybody knows they're fake, dahling. Why bother with surgery when you have such a pretty face[ more...]?

3. Speaking of face, Britney changed some features of her own face the other day, then covered up to avoid the ever present paparazzi. Don't worry, Britney's mom, this too shall pass. [more...].

4. Eddie Izzard and Keifer Sutherland. Separated at birth? You be the judge [ more...].

5. Kim Kardashian continues to hang out in all the right places. After all, it was the woman's birthday. But why the body obsession? The more I read and see about Kim's tush and tiddies, the more I want to hurl. [ more...].

Well that's a wrap. And nobody cares.

Premiere of Reservation Road

Ew! What was she thinking? Even an Academy Award winning actress dressed in Balenciaga can't get away with creep-me-out clogs like that. So they're open what? I don't care if she is a big name star, she shouldn't have fired her stylist. In fact, her whole outfit is a refugee from Elvira's closet. Can you guess whose shoes?

Update: 10/28/07: Looks like I scooped the next November issue of People. Apparently, their editors also didn't like the outfit. Now that the star's been identified, I wish someone would be brave and post a response.

Leanna Creel

Leanna Creel is an actress and film producer best known for her role as Tori Scott on the early 1990s haven for washed up celebrities, Saved By The Bell.Creel is an identical triplet with sisters Monica and Joy. Creel was born on August 27, 1970 in Los Angeles, California and started acting in the late 1980s. Her first acting role was as a guest star on Growing Pains in 1987. In 1989 she got her

Suri --What a Lady!

I'm a sucker for my favorite little girl.

A culture is only as great as its dreams, and its dreams are dreamed by artists. — Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard

The Idiot Test

Ah...I'm revamping the site again. Don't think I'll stop until The Spewker has at least a thousand subscribers. At this rate, that might not be until the 2008 general election. Then again, the site could still be Beta next November. It's all a matter of timing, determination, and some je ne sais qua.

Never despair. Don't give up the ship. Yeah yeah. Right, then. As any newbie knows, getting the hang of this gig is no easy sport. Guess if it was so easy, everyone would be sitting at home scratching their underwear and pounding out a blog now, right?

What exactly did you think I was holding? That's a microphone, idiot! Anywho, in the interests of keeping a good link, I'm crafting a little boat to float this bit of javascript. The "Idiot Test" shall have its very own article, by jingies. It's such a funny waste of time, I had to park it somewhere. So many others have gone by the wayside in my scramble to redesign.

Smarty pants me buzzed out when challenged to press the green button quickly. I may be smart, but quick I am not. I needed an idiot test to tell me that? Yeeesh.

Gala Movie Premiere

Recently seen on a newcomer at a ritzy titzy movie premiere. With mega watt co-stars in full view, she still managed to hold her own. Since no one seems to be taking a stab at these little guessing games, they're getting easier. I'm even including some of the background and a snippet of her fancy shmancy dress. Can you guess whose shoes? What about the movie?

Al Gore Vaporizes Hillary From Race


Have a funnier caption? Something you'd like to spew? Make my day.

Group Burial at Arlington Cemetery Emphasizes Need to Support Our Troops

On October 12, 2007, nine months after Iraqi enemy forces decimated their Black Hawk helicopter, the unidentifiable remains of twelve National Guard and Army troops received a group burial with military honors at Arlington Cemetery. It was the largest number of National Guard soldiers killed together since the start of the Iraqi War.

Hundreds of family members attended the ceremony. Couldn’t help but notice the remarkable similarities between one national tragedy defining a generation and another. Note the stoic faces of military, family members, and a young boy. A grieving widow positioned to the right of grieving parents. Even the two men in the back right corner bear an uncanny resemblance. Just substitute the skinny tie for sunglasses and vice versa.

Does the fame of one American family make the tragedy of ordinary people any less palpable or noteworthy? I think not. Like Kennedy, the brave men and women buried at Arlington took an oath to serve. They died in the line of duty for the greater good. The photograph of their families is just as iconic because it too captures a moment in United States history.

We Americans should be mindful of the difficulties suffered by our heroic troops and their families. We can show our appreciation for their sacrifices by penning letters, sending e-mails, or sponsoring a gift. Let’s put aside our political differences long enough to show our military we’re proud and we care.

I’m thinking macadamia nut double chocolate chip cookie care packages for Thanksgiving ought to do the trick.

Doug and Jackie Christie: No Ordinary Love and Extraordinary Giving

A few months ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to interview former NBA superstar Doug Christie and his wife Jackie, who are extremely down–to-earth loving people. But before I did, I asked some basketball fans about the couple for research and I got some interesting opinions, but the one that stood out the most was, “they were talked about a lot because of their relationship.” Relationship? You’re kidding me, right? Basketball fans cared about their relationship? Okay, so I read stories about his sign to her when he was in the NBA, heard about other stuff too, but you want to know something…I really don’t care. I know some couples who would ache to have that kind of love in their lives.

Instead, we talked only briefly about their relationship, but we focused more on their love of helping others, especially children through their Infinite Love Foundation. Earlier this year, the Infinite Love Foundation presented 21 new bicycles to children being honored for their achievements in the community. The Seattle Rotary Boys and Girls Club "Lady Style" AAU basketball team also received much needed jerseys, shorts and basketball shoes from the Infinite Love Foundation. Also, the Infinite Love Foundation has consistently sponsored the Seattle Millionair Club, which provides food and hygiene supplies to those in the community; as well as the Children's Hospital of Seattle.

We talked about their commitment to giving back as often as they could and how this commitment came from the fact that both of them had a trying past. I was raised by a single mother and not only did I have respect for Doug, who didn’t end up a statistic that people like to throw in the faces of single mothers (your kid will be drug addict, dropout, etc.) but both Jackie and Doug were successful enough to look back on their past and help others.

A little background on Doug (according to his website, Doug was born in Seattle, Washington and introduced to hard work at an early age when he became a latchkey kid while his parents both worked long hours. Growing up in the Northwest, Doug enjoyed his childhood and his number one passion, soccer. As an athletic child, it wasn't long after his introduction to organized basketball that he knew this game would be his life. Doug attended Rainer Beach High School in Seattle, went on to Pepperdine and then to the NBA where he played for 14 years. Jackie was also born in Seattle, has been a model and has opened a clothing boutique in Seattle.

Both achieved their dreams through the help of their single parents, who turned to local organizations for aid. Today, Doug is retired from the NBA and he and Jackie focus on their charity work and various business ventures including the launch of their online radio show, Infinite Love Talk Radio beginning November 1, 2007. Their weekly talk show will feature celebrity guests, sports icons and surprise interviews. The Christies will spread their knowledge of marriage, fashion, love, lifestyle and sports with listeners as well as give advice on how to have a successful marriage when all odds are against you. The weekly online radio show will air on Saturdays at 5pm (PST) on

Doug and Jackie are very excited to be talking about helping others and one of the charities they have helped along the way was the Millionair’s Club.

Jackie: My mom was a single mom and I had eight brothers and sisters. She reached out to the Millionair’s Club to help us and helped my brothers get jobs when they were old enough and helped us to get food. They were just terrific for our family and when I got into a position when I grew up that I could give back, they were the organization that stood out for us. Doug also benefited from the Millionair’s Club because his mother was a young mother, she was 15 when she had him and didn’t have the benefit of help from his father either.

(According to their website, since 1921, The Millionair Club charity – located in Seattle, Washington -- has been changing lives through jobs. Businesses, homeowners and individuals hire hard-working, reliable Club clients for day labor or permanent jobs and give unemployed and homeless people a chance to escape from poverty and become self-reliant members of the community. Visit for more information.)

My mom was widowed when I was young so I was like you and Doug, raised by a single mom, but as a kid, you don’t remember who helped you out. Did your mom incorporate ‘giving back’ into your brain over the years?

Jackie: My mom was really happy when I told her what I was going to do. I do remember them helping my brothers and giving them jobs, so I knew I wanted to help them when I got into a position where I could.

Some kids are embarrassed when their family needs help to get by. What advice would you give to them?

Jackie: I would remind them it’s only a temporary situation and when they grow up they’ll be happy to know that someone was there to help them too and now they can give back. That’s what this world is supposed to be based on – helping each other. Just be thankful you’re in a system with an organization that can help you. Just to be able to go to an organization like this is so special; I’ll spend the rest of my days giving out to organizations that can help others. I have a 13-year-old daughter who watches TV and models, but her main character is about giving. We are instilling traditions about giving back with all of our children. We tell them that just because you’re more fortunate don’t mean you don’t give back. We tell our kids to donate their toys or, at Christmastime, they get a certain amount of gifts and they have to pick out gifts for other kids. They really enjoy that. We take them with us to events. If you start your kids young, they’ll grow up with a mindset about giving and grow up to help the community.

NBA players make a lot of money. How did you and Doug get past the comments from others that the two of you were just showing off your money?

Jackie: First, we know in our hearts what is right. There has been a lot of stuff written about our relationship and our love for each other. He is really dedicated to his family and that was hard for others to swallow. People can say whatever they want, we will continue to help and that’s all that matters, so it really doesn’t bother us, what’s really important to us is that people understand we don’t do what we do for publicity. This is a gift from our hearts and it’s something we want to do. It doesn’t matter what they think. If someone needs our help, we help them.

Doug, take me back to your childhood.

Doug: It meant a lot growing up in Seattle. We weren’t always able to have what we needed. I was a latchkey kid, I came home and did schoolwork, but mostly hung out and played. At holiday time, mom would get help from schools or wherever. She was concerned and would get from various places to make sure we got what we needed. That was part of what you did and how you grew up. Whatever mom had to do to make sure there was food on the table, she did.

Most kids in that position just focus on getting out. How did you turn around and give back?

Doug: I was never in that mindset (of just getting out). I used to tell my mom, “I’m going to live with you forever.” Then when I was making my own money and I knew what it was like to be in those situations. I had a knowledge of myself and I started learning more about who I am and I see the kids now who don’t understand what’s going on and we want to help them to turn the light on, change everything including their outlook on things. We want to tell them to go to school, get an education and then anything is possible. I truly believe that anyone can.

When you make it big in the NBA there are perks and glamour and many players can blow their money quickly on stuff.

Doug: I think that when you get that money and you come from not having a lot or not having anything, there’s no rulebook telling you how to spend that. You just don’t know. The real basis though is family. I think about what I want my children to do and I can’t be hypocritical – I have to show them the way I think they should do things, including giving back.

When I was playing for the Lakers and I would leave the forum, there would always be this guy by the freeway and I would always give him a bill and whatever he did with that he did. I look at my children’s faces and I want them to be good people.

The Infinite Love Foundation – what does that mean to you and Jackie?

Doug: Everything we do from helping people to loving each other to whatever we pour into our children – love is just spreading in every direction. Even in our business dealings, we try to do it with the love that people would want to be treated with.

You’ve taken hits with the media. How do you stay focused without saying “I can’t take this anymore?” Many people have obstacles when they start a foundation, so how did you overcome this one?

Doug: The media is a big one. People are going to have their opinions and say mean and kind things – we don’t pay attention to the mean things. There are obstacles in getting to be an NBA player including being told that you’re not good enough to make it. This is just another thing and maybe being an athlete has taught me how to have a tough skin in a lot of areas, and what people say about me is just one of them.

What is your primary goal?

Doug: Hopefully we help someone and they can keep it going and when they give back it just keeps going and it gives hope.

Thanks Doug and Jackie!

Other Tidbits:
* The Children Affected by AIDS Foundation will hold its Dream Halloween® fundraiser at Roseland Ballroom from 3:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. on Sunday, October 21, 2007. This year Chris Meloni, star of “Law & Order: SVU,” and his wife Sherman Meloni will receive the Foundation’s Ribbon of Dreams® Award. Each October, the Foundation opens its doors to hundreds of families to attend Dream Halloween® in-costume and trick-or-treat for toys, meet their favorite cartoon characters, play games, create arts and crafts, and enjoy delicious food.

* Hollywood, Bollywood and Nollywood Stars Rallied at United Nations – On September 25, actors united for a world without hunger, as part of HungerFREE, a global campaign sponsored by Action Aid International. Celebrity speakers included Tim Meadows (Hollywood); Shabana Azmi (Bollywood - India); Hilda Dokubo (Nollywood - Nigeria) Why are they Protesting? According to Action Aid Int’l, seven years ago governments at the UN committed to halving hunger by 2015. At that time, there were 800 million hungry people across the globe. Today, 854 million are hungry. HungerFREE is a global campaign that will provoke governments to deliver on their commitment to halve world hunger by 2015.

* Padres Contra El Cáncer (Parents Against Cancer) will celebrate its annual fund–raising gala, El Sueno De Esperanza; An Evening for Celebration & Hope on Thursday, October 18, 2007, from 6:30 p.m. to 11 p.m., at The Lot in Los Angeles, California. The organization will pay tribute to the courage and heroism demonstrated each and every day by its extraordinary children and families. ‘EL SUEÑO DE ESPERANZA’ will also recognize PADRES’ distinguished friends and colleagues for their humanitarian contributions in support of the cancer community. Honorees this year include Alex Wallau (Special Senior Advisor, The Walt Disney Company), a cancer advocate who will receive the CHAMPION OF HOPE Award; Beto Cuevas (Grammy Award–Winning Musical Recording Artist), who will receive the RUBY OLIVA CEDILLO TRIBUTE Award; and Cingular Wireless/The New AT&T whose direct financial contributions in support of PADRES and its life–saving mission will be acknowledged with the ‘EL SUEÑO DE ESPERANZA’ Award.Eva Longoria is the PADRES National Spokesperson; Gala Chair and George Lopez serves as Master of Ceremonies.
Founded in 1985, PADRES brings together children, families, healthcare professionals and community leaders to promote a comprehensive understanding of childhood cancer and other blood disorders, as well as effective methods for their treatment. PADRES’ unique and inclusive program model is premised upon the delivery of a health and education curriculum designed to be culturally–relevant, family–centered and community–based. While primarily oriented to the Latino community, PADRES’ programs, activities and services serve childhood cancer patients and their families from all races, nationalities and ethnic origins. NO FAMILY IS TURNED AWAY. For more information, please visit

* The Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation will hold their annual New York gala, "A Magical Evening," on Monday, November 12, 2007 at the New York Marriott Marquis. Meryl Streep, and Lee and Bob Woodruff are being honored at this event. The Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation is dedicated to curing spinal cord injury by funding innovative research, and improving the quality of life for people living with paralysis through grants, information and advocacy. More information on this organization and event as we get closer.

Gary Coleman

Gary Coleman is a former child actor best known for his role as Arnold Jackson on the hit late 1970s - mid 1980s family sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes.Coleman was born on February 8, 1968 in Zion, Illinois and was adopted by Willie and Sue Coleman. He suffers from a congenital kidney disease causing nephritis (an autoimmune destruction of the kidney). The disease stunted his growth at an early age,

Ann Coulter Savaged for Bashing Jews and Judaism

The Britney Spears of the conservative movement, a blemish on the face of “kinder, gentler, compassionate conservatism.” A Connecticut anorexic in King Arthur’s Court. A transvestite refugee from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So refers Michael Savage from his beleaguered talk show fest, The Savage Nation, to none other than Ms. Ann Coulter.

see Ann Coulter unrobed and bigotedWow. The shark turning against one of its own, such a rarity in politics (wink). Then again, I can always count on Savage to speak his mind, not his party line. Problem is, sometimes he goes a tad too far. Last night’s rebroadcast was no exception.

It all started on Monday when Coulter appeared on Donny Deutsch's CNBC show, The Big Idea. Seemingly out of nowhere, Coulter began a spew against Jews. Her anti-Semitic vitriol rankled Savage so badly, he devoted more than half of yesterday’s broadcast lambasting and pummeling Coulter into dog meat. To add insult to injury, all but one of his callers received a tongue-lashing for failing to echo his outrage. One allegedly Orthodox Jew said he didn’t see Coulter’s comments as anti-Semitic because she only parroted the fundamental Christian doctrines she was raised to believe. Savage ordered him to “grow some balls,” warning he would be one of the first people tortured in a Polish pogrom. Yes, old Mike was in rare form.

So, what exactly did Coulter say? Mmmm, basically that Jews are imperfect beings because they don’t believe Jesus was/is the messiah, and that America would be a better place if all Americans were Christians. But don’t rely on a paraphrase. Read for yourself Coulter’s final attempt to worm her way out of the point of no return:

I have to say, I was slightly offended when Coulter insinuated women should lose the right to vote because they elect Democratic presidents. But this latest bit of Jew baiting is downright unseemly. Not selling enough books, so let’s whip up a media frenzy by picking on the "purple state" Jewish host of a niche cable program. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Bad publicity is better than no publicity, or so they say. Too bad Coulter didn’t get the memo about the bigot exception. Her obvious bias against Jews is too palpable to ignore. The inevitable reaction of a closet Klanner desperate to plug a book destined for the dusty dollar bin.

Ann, darling, your 15 minutes is up. Make sure not to trip as you step off the stage. Ooops, too late.

Savage was right to be outraged. Ann should get the hook, the quicker the better. My problem with Savage arose later in the program. After advocating for harmonious understanding and peaceful co-existence between Jews and Christians, Savage blasted some priest for ministering to homosexuals. Taking up the cause of one vulnerable population only to beat down another struck me as hypocritical and self-serving. A real turn off that dulled his message about Coulter, to say the least.

If Savage intends to use his talk show to make the world a better place, as he claims, then he should try harder to fake a social conscious. Or at least save the gay bashing for a different broadcast.

Politicelebritopia Round-Up for October 11, 2007

The line separating politicians and celebrities so often becomes blurred. As they cross into each others' realms, mongrel spawn are born. Round-up from this past week includes:

1. John Edwards’s fundraising woes may not be the only thorn in the side of his campaign. Readers are furiously kicking down a storm at The HuffPo...[more]

2. Blue bloods can’t relate to the face of St. John. This big name celeb is about to have more time to indulge in pet political causes...[more]

3. A fictional Norwegian reporter lobbed pretty provocative interview questions at NY City Councilman James Oddo. His tirade now plays to critical acclaim on YouTube...[more]

(warning: video contains graphic language, viewer discretion advised)

4. A how to guide about halting the Hillary Express is a crash course for presidential hopefuls in future Democratic debates. John Dickerson of Slate provides thoughtful insight...[more]

5. And, in what can only be charitably referred to as a publicity stunt, the Bush administration goes to bat for a confessed rapist and murderer. I think the American people are being punked. Did I mention the guy is an illegal Mexican immigrant?...[more]

That concludes this week's issue of Bastard Child. Tune in again next week for more mongrel spawn from around the globe.

Britney Spears Outing Makes Neighborhood "Unsafe"

What a spectacle! Suffice it to say, my life is a bed of roses compared to this celeb's. I cannot imagine how Britney continues to cope, or for that matter, even function. After feasting my eyes on this papafrenzi outing, knowing full well her recent custody litigation set backs, is it any wonder this woman is drugged out and estranged?

Thank goodness Jamie Lynn didn't take "No" for an answer. I heard she and big bro were turned away last week at the manse after trying to stage an intervention. Perhaps Ms. Herownworstenemy is now willing to accept a helping hand, what with the myriad of problems threatening to destroy both her and her career. Judging by this video, if Britney hasn't yet hit rock bottom, she's pretty darn close.

Is Brit turning tony Malibu into trailer park trash? Probably. But have a heart, wicked neighbor, so bold to scold about the safety of your precious neighborhood or lack thereof. Where is your compassion? Your less fortunate neighbor is suffering a very public meltdown. Her parents are unable to deal. Even The Donald's unsolicited offer of assistance languishes unheard.

The unbelievable part of this whole surreal saga is the magnitude of paparazzi trailing Britney's every move. She breaks a fingernail and it's news. Like a merciless tsunami refusing to recede, the constant crush of bodies must be overwhelming and exhausting. As I've previously noted in support of yet another overexposed embattled tart, life in the flash bulbs isn't a walk in the park. Fame comes with a heavy price.

Say what you will, but I have gobs of empathy for those less capable of navigating the fray. I never thought I would say this, but

"Leave Britney alone!"

If anyone is more deserving of scorn, it's the gaggle of vermin marring a sunny California morning with their incessant flashes and clicks. The popping and whirring noises alone would drive me insane. Is it really so difficult to sidestep these bottomfeeders? I must conclude Ms. Malibu Hag lacks a certain amount of coordination and civility. You know the type. Prefers a stationary bike to more challenging activity and hates to send or receive holiday cards. Bah. Humbug.

Can't help but note the irony of Ms. Hag's public tantrum. As boomeranging slings and arrows rained down upon her $3.5 million beachfront noggin (which these days only buys something akin to a shack), she unwittingly brought the papanazzi to Britney's defense. It's a sad day in Tinseltown when one's biggest protectors are the same people making life so unberable. Then again, nothing in el Lay surprises me. Not even when a morning stroll about town deteriorates into fodder for tabloids.

New Line Cinema 40th Anniversary Gala

Celebs who've chowed down at the trough of New Line Cinema (and some who haven't) clamoured about at the studio's 40th Anniversary Gala this past Friday in New York City. Don't know why this newcomer didn't get the "no white shoes after Labor Day" memo, but suspect it may be the weather. Here in Baltimore, we've been enduring 80+ degree days with no end in sight. As our weather goes, so usually does the Big Apple's.

Nice legs. Way to go on the slim downThe black toe polish contrast with summery peekaboos is a real hoot. Anyone care to guess whose shoes?

Blurring the Line Between Politics and Celebrities

Regular readers of The Spewker know its main focus is politics and celebrities. Bashing those who choose to lead life in the public eye is one of my favoritie pastimes. Throw in a dusting for the media and my day is complete.

Thanks HollyScoop for creating a video that allows me to shpling one big loogger at all three. For starters, your host, Bridget Daley, needs a better hair stylist. That "too much combed over straight" look bit the dust in the 80's. Her side part makes her face look pretty fat, if that is even possible. This woman looks so unsightly, it actually distracted me from paying attention to the video. So much for Internet journalism.

Secondly, just because Brad Pitt says fellow actor and friend, George Clooney, has his vote for President, doesn't mean Gorgeous George should throw his hat in the ring. What a dumb segment! Could the line between politicians and celebrities become any more murky? Everytime I turn around, it's politicians becoming more like rock stars and celebrities thinking they can run the world. Honestly, sometimes I think I am living in a Twilight Zone episode in overdrive. Is there another way out?

Ummm, people, in case you've forgotten, we Americans have about twelve more weeks before Election 2008 really heats up. Any one of the declared presidential candidates could become the nominee for their respective parties. I beg to differ that "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" is the de facto Democratic candidate in the general election. Are we Democrats going to let the media decide which candidate we choose to run for our highest political office?

Sure, after eight years of Dubya, I can understand why hardly anyone wants a Republican back in the White House. But people in this country don't seem too fond of old "Billary" either. Her top fundraising status is not a deciding factor for me and shouldn't be for anyone else. We should support the candidate with the best resume, not the one with the most polished media image. There are other amazingly good candidates in the race who the media ignores. More about this in a later article.

America's apparent dissatisfaction with the front runners doesn't mean we should toot Mr. Clooney as a write-in. He may be very well meaning and know the location of Darfur, but presidential material he isn't. Even my 12 year old knows the difference between an actual politician and a celebrity who plays one on TV. Why doesn't HollyScoop?

Election 2008

Finally. Truth in advertising on the Democratic ticket.

Have a funnier caption? Something you'd like to spew? Make my day.

American Idols Concert Live

It's been two weeks since the kidlets and I trudged downtown to catch the last leg of the American Idols Live tour across America. An early purchase of floor seats lived up to the hype, although we did get somewhat pushy to be up close and personal. Thanks ever so to the white haired guard in gray.

Met their backup singer, Charlotte, outside after the show. This woman is really amazing and should not be singing backup. Charlotte says she's not ready to be mobbed by "50,000 fans everywhere" she goes, but I suspect there are other reasons afoot. All I can say is, Charlotte, hon, it's your time to shine.

No need to write a review, as I see someone from an earlier stop beat me to the punch. Photo creds go to my daughter, Arielle. You go, girl.

Not her best shot, but a good overview of the group.

Here, they've captured enthralled fans on an overhead screen.
Jordan entertained on guitar and asked us to pray for her grandmom who was sick. Hope she is out of the hospital by now.
Loved how she stood out in this outfit. Did not like a lot of her song selections. Hopefully, young Jordan will procure the services of a better manager. The kid has real talent.

Chris was unbelievably hot and rocked the place silly.

He and Blake were the real show stoppers. Be still my heart.

Haley didn't get much face time. Her numbers were good, but nothing to write home about.
Gina, you deserved a spot in the final three.
Not Sanjaya's sexiest, although he did come out in a tight red pants number bringing on the Elvis. Yes, the boy has a presence. Are you listening, Calvin Klein?

Sligh and Lakisha were also standouts. I hear Lakisha is now on Broadway working with Idols winner Fantasia in The Color Purple. And I eh yi eh yi will always love you ew ew ooo ew...
Under rated Phil brought home the bacon in a number dedicated to the U.S. armed forces.
Here's Phil again in a hot cowboy number.

This is the only shot of Melinda. A cute little group number. Sorry, but they didn't give her enough face time either.

Nice group shot of the final number. All in all, we had a great time. Just sorry we couldn't get backstage for autographs. Don't think I didn't try. Maybe next time 'round.

Divine Fingerprints on the Highway of Life

You: An inattentive tractor trailer driver lumbering down the inner loop of I695 at approximately 7:25 a.m. this morning.

Me: A groggy stop and go driver trying to conserve on the gas. Pangs of road rage flick in my gut. Just four more exits and I'll be home. Already missing the 17-year old daughter I dropped off at the airport. Hate getting up so early, but a cheap flight is worth the dent in my zzzzs.

You: Someone who deserves to be strung upside down by your lousy ankles until a rush of blood infuses your tired pea brain. How can You yak on your cell while navigating something so gimungous in stop and go traffic? A tad too dangerous for my liking, but You don’t seem to mind. A trucking company must be truly desperate to hire an irresponsible imbecile such as You. Too bad I didn’t get a chance to jot down your plate.

Me: Gripping the steering wheel, trying to limit the brake and accelerate as I navigate the merge from I70 east. The pass lane is still the fastest, but not by much. Debating whether to switch a lane to the right. If I can just get past exit 21, everything should be fine.

SUDDENLY, out of nowhere, You jackknife. Burning tire rubber fills the clear morning air. Only a subtle zig from the car in front alerts to the oncoming onslaught. Swerve left just in the nick of time. So does the car behind. Heart skips a beat (or two… maybe three). Am I still breathing? I slam on the horn, not that it matters. When a truck that big jackknifes your way, no amount of blare can save your sorry hump. How lucky to have a wide berth of shoulder to my left. In a more narrow section of the beltway, the van would be smashed like a pancake, no side airbags to protect from the massive concrete guardrail. I could have been toast.

You: Still yakking away on your squibbly little phone. I speed up to pass by and throw You the evil eye. Glaring up, I wonder if our worlds had collided on the stretch between exits 17 and 20, would You have chucked the phone? I suppose You were absent on the day trucker school taught the nuances of stop and go. It requires more attention than your cell, you cretin. You don't deserve to share my road. An insect on the highway of life, go back into the self obsessed hole from which you crawled. Relinquish your license to truck. You are a dangerous pathetic little man.

Me: Incredibly grateful to have emerged unscathed. A two second distraction could have irrevocably shattered my life. A prayer of thanks escapes my lips. I know to who. There are no coincidences. Divine fingerprints litter the earth. In those split seconds between escape and death, I feel their spark. No thanks to You, scurvy scum obliviously barreling down the highway of life behind ten tons of steel. I hope You read this and recognize yourself for the scumbag that You are. I hope You get hit with a massive phone bill for all your unnecessary yapping. I hope your tires pop from all the rubber You burned. Maybe then someone else’s life will be saved, like mine was on a small stretch of I695.