Tweet Your Meat Lose Your Seat Congressman Anthony Weiner

I can't take credit for the title of this article. I read it in the comments of another article. That person couldn't take credit for it either.

So after weeks of denials, outright lies, and porn stars clamoring for his resignation, the embattled Congressman is turning off the lights and heading home. How many times have I been told not to start a sentence with "so?" So what? Wait a minute. I lost my train of thought.

But then again, so has much of America. The Anthony Weiner sexting scandal seems to be all anyone wants to talk about. I called WBAL radio this morning to comment on the lawsuit filed against President Obama for violation of the Constitution and War Powers Resolution (whereupon the host summarily hang up on me after I offered an opinion about the lawsuit's merits), only to find not more than ten minutes later that the topic had abruptly shifted to Weinergate. How anyone can segue from a discussion about possible constitutional violations to a roundtable on meat tweets, I don't know. I guess the bombing of Libya wasn't sexy enough for radio ratings when weiner water cooler gossip dangled nearby.

Goodbye and good riddance, former Congressman Weiner. Hear that giant sucking sound in the distance? That's the sound of incessant penis jokes (hopefully) making way for a news cycle focusing on matters of national import.

It's about time. Press conference at 2 p.m. EST.

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Gary Busey Finally Meets His Waterloo

Article also published as TV Open Thread: Celebrity Apprentice Recap - Gary Busey Finally Meets His Waterloo on Blogcritics.

The episode opened with Lil Jon saying he might quit if Gary returned from the boardroom. No wonder Nene screamed for joy when Gary walked into the waiting room. The men would have to deal with Gary at least one more time. All of them wanted him gone.

Gary said he didn’t know why there was an alliance against him. He could only surmise his teammates were afraid of him. John said that wasn’t it at all. Right to his face, John called Gary either a saboteur or crazy and since Gary is a smart guy, he thought it was the former. With a lopsided smile, Gary clinked his glass against John’s glass and wished him the best of luck.

The teams were tasked with writing, producing and starring in a live cooking demonstration featuring a variety of products from Omaha Steaks. In addition, they had to create and name an original Omaha Steaks variety pack which had to be featured in their presentation. Teams would be judged on branding, their original variety pack, and their overall presentation.

The women picked Hope as their PM even though she admitted she didn’t know how to cook and wasn’t a red meat eater. So why did she lie to The Donald, claiming she was a steak eater? I don’t know if this will come back to haunt her in later episodes, but I think she should have come clean. Who cares if she eats meat or cheese? Do you think it makes a big enough difference to lie?

The men chose Gary as PM. The Donald said Gary was either potentially a genius or a moron and he hadn’t figured out which one. In a judicious exercise of restraint, Lil Jon said he had it figured out, but wouldn’t say.

Gary appointed Meat as chef even though Meat said he couldn’t cook. Neither Lil Jon nor John volunteered their cooking skills for the team. In the meeting with company executives, Gary asked questions that didn’t have apparent relevance to the task. He also went off on a tangent, creating a Father’s Day theme featuring a son and dad flying a kite with little connection to steaks. The whole team quickly became frustrated. Meat and Gary had a total disconnect. When Ivanka arrived on the scene, all three of Gary’s teammates complained about him. Gary said his teammates didn’t respect him.

"I feel like I walked into a group therapy session," moaned Ivanka.

The women fared much better, although Star immediately commandeered the task by assigning jobs. She also led the meeting with company executives. No one, except Marlee, seemed able to get a word in edgewise. This did not sit well with Nene. Hope asked LaToya to be the chef because it was the easiest job of the task. LaToya became visibly upset when Hope changed her steak demonstration to burgers. Nene preemptively ridiculed LaToya, imagining how LaToya would later complain about this to The Donald. In reality, it was Nene doing the complaining. LaToya started a fire while prepping the food for the presentation. This further upset Nene.

Close to presentation time, Gary realized their menu was wrong. John, who was responsible for coordinating the menu, nearly bit Gary’s head off. He complained about Gary calling him "boy" — which Gary denied — then refused an apology, even though Gary seemed sincere. Meat was upset that they didn’t rehearse the demonstration.

During their presentation, Gary tried to work his magic, but fell short. He decided to pick winners from the audience to eat their prepared meals, but company executives thought this was awkward. They also couldn’t understand why John and Lil Jon contributed almost nothing to the demonstration. And they hated Gary’s Father’s Day theme, especially the part about the kite. The only thing they did seem to like was Meat's performance as chef. Funny, since Meat complained that he couldn't cook.

The women’s presentation was very good, with some exceptions. The audience couldn’t understand everything LaToya said because she spoke too softly. Neither Nene nor Marlee said "Omaha Steaks" in their presentation and the women ended their presentation by shouting "Omaha!" This did not sit well with company executives. "I wish they would say ‘Omaha Steaks’," whispered one to the other. They also didn’t like that the food was pre-prepared.

In the boardroom, all of the men complained about Gary. John called Gary’s management style "a catastrophic collapse of time management." Meat chimed in that he was upset about not rehearsing.

"The menu was printed wrong and was the wrong menu," Meat further complained, blaming Gary for the mistakes. The Donald made Gary recite his Father’s Day theme then called it "overly complicated." The team saw that as an opening to gang up on Gary. Lil Jon said Gary was in outer space.

"Gary is not always on earth here with us. We were so frustrated. I didn’t have anything to do."

Hope praised the women and would not rat out Star for commandeering the team. Star said she would be proud to have Hope as her daughter and thought she did very well. Marlee also praised Hope. LaToya said she thought the team really jelled and thought of Star and Hope as her friends. Nene, however, couldn't hold back when asked about Hope. For that, The Donald labeled her negative. He then told the women they had won.

Star tried to comfort Nene in the waiting room, saying she had her back and didn’t think she was being unfairly negative. I thought this was incredibly kind, given the way Nene had spoken about Star earlier. Nene complained that Star was always preparing the graphic materials, thinking this would keep her safe. In fact, Star is very talented with graphics. Why shouldn’t the team utilize her for her strengths?

Back in the boardroom, Meat was so down on Gary he lost his ability to communicate. John and Gary got into another argument over the "boy" incident, John saying it was disrespectful and Gary saying he called John "ka-boy," a reference to the Dallas cowboys.

"That means you’re calling me a liar," John nearly spat back at Gary.

"I called you ka-boy," Gary insisted. The Donald saw the dispute as a non-starter.

Gary sealed his own fate when he wouldn’t bring any of his teammates back to the boardroom. The Donald couldn’t get over Meat’s frustration.

"Then, Meat Loaf, I’m going to make you very happy," The Donald said with barely a pause. "Gary, you’re very talented. You’re very unique. You’re an amazing guy. And Gary, you’re fired." Da-dum. Everyone on the team thanked The Donald. Gary cleared out as his teammates chose to stay in the boardroom.

Driving away in the town car, Gary said he was at peace with The Donald’s decision and blamed his teammates for getting him fired. Then he turned philosophical.

"I could turn a thunderstorm and a tornado into a rainbow, and I’m flying over the rainbow tonight," said Gary. "Who knows, it could be true."

Indeed. I expect to see Gary flying an ethereal kite somewhere off in space this very moment. He always brought a lot of humor to the show. Call him genius, a moron, or anything in between, the truth is, there probably never will be another Celebrity Apprentice contestant quite as entertaining as Gary. I, for one, will miss him terribly.


Read My Other Season 4 Reviews:

Nene Leakes Rips LaToya Jackson a New One

Meat Loaf Meltdown

Dionne Warwick Makes a Cowardly Exit from Boardroom

Pregnant Mariah Carey Naked Photo Shoot Barely Shocks

Clutching her right breast with a come hither arm raised gently over a golden flowing mane, eight-weeks pregnant (with twins) and ready to pop Mariah Carey graces the cover of "Life & Style Weekly." Naked as a jaybird, Carey joins the ranks of other pregnant celebrities who have posed naked on magazine covers. Demi Moore, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera all come to mind.

More than twenty years after Moore stunned the world with her daring expose, Carey's naked swell barely raises eyebrows. Been there, seen that. Naked pregnant women have lost their edge. Other than navigating newsstand placement, where's the controversy?

I'm not going to criticize Carey for exposing her naked pregnant body -- dark line running down the center of her stomach and belly button flattened wide like roadkill on a dark country road -- for all the world to ogle. Truth be told, she looks radiantly lovely, a mother-to-be in true Botticelli form.

No, my gripe is with her choice of magazine. "Life & Style," is she serious? Couldn't she have picked a rag with wider circulation? I mean, Demi let it all hang out for "Vanity Fair," Britney laid bare for "Harper's Bazaar," and Christina went au naturel for "Marie Clare." Not that these are the creme de la creme of periodicals, though in their own way, they are at the top of their game. In contrast, Carey seems to be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Up until her naked shoot, I had no idea this magazine existed.

Also, what's all this about Carey and husband Nick Cannon adorning the walls of their family home with naked photos? According to Daily Mail, Cannon would rather skip the public display.

"My children are going to have to see these pictures. It's a little weird," he said during his Rollin' with Nick Cannon radio show. "It's a little nasty," he continued. "I mean, have you ever seen your parents naked? When they get older and their friends come over... they will see the pictures and say, 'Your daddy's butt naked.'"

Cannon's remarks are puzzling. If these photos are the least bit nasty, why hang them in an area of the family home where visitors will see them? For that matter, why display them at all, or let them appear in a weekly magazine? I don't get it. Can't Cannon and Carey hang these beauties in a private area of their home? Better yet, stick them in a scrapbook, tuck them away in a dark closet, and only pull them out for special occasions?

That'll put an end to disturbing glances from puzzled houseguests.


People Who Liked This Article May Also Enjoy:

Salacious Celebrity Gossip Cracks Corn and I Don't Care

Demi Moore Baby Bump is Old and Tired

First Photos of Pregnant Man Baby

Muhammad Ali Iran Visit Depends on Health and Ability to Travel

While the world stews over the possible catastrophe of popsicles in heat, otherwise known as Japan's nuclear reactors crisis, two adventure-seeking hikers remain in Iranian prisons, fighting for their lives over espionage charges. A third hiker was released on bail and returned to the U.S. last September.

No way to know if they're innocent or not, but my gut instincts say, in all likelihood, these three crazy kids -- a journalist, economist, and teacher -- are not American spies. Idiots, maybe, for thinking they could simply hike across Iran, but not spies. What spy would be dumb enough to ignore warnings and simply hike into hostile territory like Iran?

To the rescue, like the flying butterfly/stinging bee that he is, former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali has stepped up to the plate, writing letters to Iranian Grand Pubah, The Ayatollah Khamenei, in a bid to secure the hikers' release. So far, no dice. But that has not deterred Ali. Recently, the champ has been rumbling about a personal visit to the lunatic fringe.

"If we thought that they would be released and if Muhammad's presence would have some impact on that release for the good, then, yes, we would try very hard to make sure Muhammad was able to go," his wife Lonnie Ali said. "But a lot of that, as you know, would depend on Muhammad's health. That's the bottom line."

Muhammad Ali, a sufferer of Parkinson's disease, has barely been seen in the public eye over the past decade and no longer speaks in public. I doubt he is healthy enough to trek halfway around the world on a mission like this. Parkinson's is a very debilitating neuro-muscular condition that robs its victims of the ability to move, speak, and in the end, eat. Who is going to pay for the entourage required to care for Ali as he sets out on such mission? The hikers? Their bereaved families? President Obama?

It's quite noble of Ali to go out on a limb for the cause of naive and idealistic strangers. I applaud his efforts and appeals. But honestly, isn't all this talk about traveling to Iran to plead for their release just talk? A way to garner more publicity, either for the hikers' cause or for a fading icon? Ali is an expert in the art of bluster. Why should this time be any different?


People Who Liked This Article May Also Enjoy:

Skinny Retrospective of Speedo

Paris Visits Orphanage and Gets Stinky

Baseball Hall of Fame Inducts Cal Ripken

Bedheaded Winona Ryder Falls Ill on Trans-Continental Flight

Willowy "never can seem to get her act together" Winona Ryder was rushed on a stretcher to Hillingdon Hospital in West London, England after passing out aboard British Airways. The flight was en route to Heathrow Airport from LAX.

When it became clear a female passenger -- presumably Ryder -- "required medical attention," the flight crew requested priority landing. Ryder's publicist, Mara Buxbaum, said the actress was taken to the hospital only as a precaution and quickly released.

They can sanitize this one all they like and not convince me Ryder wasn't doped up on drugs. Pictures snapped at LAX show her clad from head to toe in black hiding sunglasses-obscured eyes. Some paparazzo managed to penetrate the barrier, revealing a tenuous and frail looking Ryder.

Daily Mail surmises an overdose of anti-anxiety medication, pointing to Ryder's well-established hatred for air travel. I'd say that's par for the course.

British Air doesn't call ahead for priority landing unless a passenger is seriously ill. Reportedly, Ryder fell unconscious while sitting down, slumping forward in her seat until help arrived. That's a far cry from the publicist's description of a woman in good health.

Clearly, the surrounding circumstances point to more than a brief illness. Ryder looked fragile and unhinged.

Instead of covering up the likely nature of Ryder's "illness," her publicist should be contacting producers of Celebrity Rehab.

Charlize Theron Sued for Dripping in Competitor Jewels

Carefully orchestrated product placement isn't insidious enough for some retailers. Now, New Age entrepreneurs quietly pay high-priced celebrities to subliminally hawk their wares.

Mmmmm, doesn't Nicole Kidman's perfume smell divine? Product placement.

And that to-die-for Charlize Theron bling? Product placement too.

Or is it?

No, says Swiss jeweler and watchmaker Raymond Weil. Weil paid Theron a cool $3 mill to model his luxury watches and baubles. He also bought the right to her name and image. Just one niggly detail in this 18-month sweetheart deal. An exclusivity requirement, as in "Don't wear my competitor's rocks while you're under contract or you'll live to regret it."

Print ads and candids from the red carpet later showed Theron dripping in rival gems.

Weil must have felt awfully foolish. He sued Theron in U.S. District Court for breach of contract, claiming she donned a Christian Dior watch, Montblanc jewelry and Cartier jewels while under contract. He also alleged that Chopard paid her six figures to model their high-end baubles during the exclusivity period.

Theron must be one foxy conniving diva to attempt a fast one like that. Can't blame her for liking fashion, but also can't understand why she would defy a paltry detail about exclusivity. Certainly, she understood the fine print when she signed on to become a walking billboard.

Maybe she thought the terms of her deal didn't apply to Academy Award winners.

Sorry to break the news to Theron, but cushy seven figure jobs do come with a price. This one's was to play the part of a sell-out. And even that was too much for m'lady.

Bill Clinton Strikes Again

It's deja vu all over again.

He endorses him. He doesn't. He equivocates. They do lunch. He hems and haws, confuses the meaning of a simple word like "is," then spits out the party line like he's doing everyone a favor. Somehow, I've seen this show before.

Less than forty-five days out from the election and Big Bill is too busy to hit the campaign trail for Barack Obama. Sour grapes and all, Billary needs to move on. But then, they never did put the country before personal ambition, great public servants that they are.

Adrianne Curry Unleashes Another Idiotic Tirade

Hurricane Ike barreled into the Texas coast this past Saturday, devastating the landscape, homes, and people's lives. Likely to go down in history as a mammoth storm the size of the Lone Star State, clean-up efforts are estimated at $18 to $22 billion. Largely resulting from a storm surge 10 to 15 feet above normal tide, the death toll now stands at 27 people confirmed dead.

Initial predictions of a category three to four storm may have fooled many residents into a false sense of security. As evacuation highways moved at a snail's pace, many decided to stay put and hunker down. The picture changed drastically late Thursday evening when the National Weather Service issued warnings of "certain death" and "death likely" for anyone who remained. Given the choice of stewing in backups or riding out the storm, diehards chose the latter, a choice many would later regret.

But former Playboy model and reality TV star Adrianne Curry wasn't about to let the survivors off scott free. Although she may want to conserve what little she has left, the outspoken bubble brain was quick to unleash another piece of her mind.

In a September 14th blog entry later revised, Curry posted her mood as "aggravated" and proclaimed,

I am sorry, but I believe all these people should have to pay the bill for their individual rescues! When they issue a "certain death" warning and you are f*ng dumb enough to stay, you do not deserve free aid. I watched people being interviewed on the news claiming they bought a bunch of beer and BBQ to sit through the storm. I bet these same people are crying for help as I type. This is f*ng stupid! Why should we have to foot a dime for these dumba***s that ignored these warnings?
FREE transportation was provided, many buses left half empty. FREE shelters were provided, many not filled up. People value MONEY and POSSESSIONS more than their own lives? IDIOTS! I feel like we reward stupidity in this country, and this is the perfect example of it...

...(Revision) I never said they should DIE, I said if they value their MONEY and POSSESSIONS more than their own LIVES they should have to pay for endangering the lives of rescue workers, and sucking up more money this government DOESN'T have. someone claimed they didn't want to lose their job…I wasn't aware the bank was open that day!

I'm not sure which is more moronic, Curry blasting suffering hurricane victims who probably can't afford to reimburse federal or state governments for rescue efforts, or the 1,188 people (and counting) who posted comments and 500 kudos in response to her heartless tongue lashing.

The anorexic dominatrix image on Curry's blog speak volumes about the woman who is more famous for marrying Christopher Knight than any of her own accomplishments. Too bad she can't show more compassion for the less fortunate, those who suffer from misplaced priorities, questionable judgment, and/or the inability to mobilize in the face of impending disaster.

[Source]

Where is Hillary Clinton When Candidate Refers to Lipstick on a Pig?

In the return to "silly season" politics, the McCain Campaign is blasting Barack Obama for supposedly sexist remarks made at a campaign stop in Lebanon, Virginia.

Let's just list this for a second. John McCain says he's about change, too. Except -- and so I guess his whole angle is, 'Watch out, George Bush, except for economic policy, health-care policy, tax policy, education policy, foreign policy, and Karl Rove-style politics. We're really gonna shake things up in Washington.' That's not change. That's just calling some -- the same thing, something different. But you know, you can -- you know, you can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

Obama then praised both McCain's "compelling story" and Palin's "interesting story," saying his "hat goes off" to anyone who's looking after five kids -- I've got two and they tire Michelle and me out -- that's why John McCain's campaign manager said this campaign isn't going to be about issues, this campaign is going to be about personalities."

Jane Swift, Massachusetts chairwoman of McCain's "Palin Truth Squad," said Obama's lipstick remark was an obvious reference to Mrs Palin's much-quoted line that the only difference between hockey moms and pitbull dogs is lipstick.

"It seemed to me a gendered comment. There's only one woman in the race," she said.

Baltimore radio station WCBM immediately jumped on the bandwagon, devoting almost all of this morning's air time to outraged indignation and terse demands for an immediate apology.

Local talk show host Tom Marr not only relentlessly pounded Obama for his lipstick remarks, but also clobbered him on his "You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change -- it's still gonna stink after 8 years" remark, claiming the expression was a reference to 72-year old John McCain. One clearly misguided woman called the program to add how Obama's lipstick remark proved he is a Muslim because "all Muslims refer to their women as pigs."

Obama Campaign senior advisor Anita Dunn swiftly responded to the ridiculous controversy in a prepared statement,

A pathetic attempt to play the gender card about the use of a common analogy - the same analogy that Senator McCain himself used about Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's health care plan just last year. This phony lecture on gender sensitivity is the height of cynicism and lays bare the increasingly dishonorable campaign John McCain has chosen to run.

"The expression is timeless and it has always meant that though you may dress something up, it doesn’t change what that something is," explained Robert Gibbs, chief Obama Campaign spokesman.

Indeed, the expression is so common that McCain's former press secretary, Torie Clark, used it for a book title and McCain himself used the expression last October when offering his opinion about Hillary Clinton's health care plan (thank you, Jake Tapper).

Obama recently issued his own response to the unnecessary distraction. He has nothing to be sorry about. In a full-blown effort to counteract media bias, the McCain Campaign has gone overboard, jumped the shark to a whole new level of underhanded politics. Talk about vicious attacks. McCain supporters are having a field day with the misrepresentation of Obama's remarks.

The American people want to hear about issues, the candidates' political platforms, and answers to hard hitting questions. Cloyingly desperate attempts to revisit political silly season only demonstrates how little McCain/Palin have to say.

Brooke Hogan Sets Women's Movement Back One Hundred Years

Brooke Hogan has a lot to answer for these days. Either producers forced her to say something mind-numbingly stupid to spark better ratings, or this clown is the most bubble-headed semi-celebrity roaming the planet.

Of course I feel sorry for the girl, what with her brother being in jail and her parents' rancorous marriage caput, but for the love of all things mom and apple pie, does she have to single-handedly set the Women's Rights Movement back one hundred years?

I mean, look at her own blog.

Brooke Hogan Doesn't Vote @ Yahoo! Video

If Blondy wants to concentrate on more important things in her life, like shopping for Prada and getting a manicure rather than investigating platforms of our presidential candidates, that's perfectly fine with me. Women like Hogan should remain barefoot and pregnant, letting other people make decisions for them because, like she said, such women aren't be capable of making intelligent decisions for themselves.

Obviously, Hogan doesn't get out very much and must have a very low opinion of herself.

Dissecting Angelina Jolie Politics Won't Secure Seat at the Lunch Table

Oh those MSNBC celebrity puff pieces. Wherever would The Spewker be without them?

It's a news broadcast. It's a gossip tabloid. No silly, it's two, two, two "this-country-is-going-to-hell-in-a-handbag" moments in one.

Yes, I feel like a "celebretard" following the political nuances of actress and UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie. Doesn't everybody?

So, she's an independent who hasn't endorsed a presidential candidate. So what? Will it matter to the middle class when she decides whose political platform best serves starving children in Africa? Do working poor care about the world refugee crisis when they can't pay their own heating bills?

Could Bob Costas be any more of an insensitive neanderthal peppering President Bush with questions while possible Olympic swimming history unfolds?

I love how Keith Olberman uses VH-1's Paul Tompkins as political sounding board. Like the Hannity & Colmes of Politicelebritopia, this spot plays like a mathlete dissecting the cool clique's perceived shortcomings, jealous of all the fawning attention paid Jolie, emasculating her baby daddy as "press agent," and whining about her making him feel bad.

A pathetic longing for a seat at the Jolie-Pitt-Clooney lunch table disguised as investigative reporting. As if.

American Idol Finale Season Seven Picks and Pans

I am just not feeling this outfit, dawg. Red is so not Randy's color. And what's the deal with the painters overalls? Covering up from martini spills?

Just a joke, peoples. Yeesh. But that IS Randy's outfit. I used an old Captain Kangaroo pix for illustration.

The American Idol season seven finale was a blast. Actually enjoyed the mainstream acts. Donna Summer came out singing amazingly, though she did look a little worn and tired. ZZ Top was the fershizzle. Seal rocked. Disagree that Bryan Adams looks too old. Man, what do people expect after twenty years?

Not liking the George Michael gig at the end after buzz reached a fever pitch about some REALLY big star closing the program. Then again, I guess Sir Paul had other plans.

The newer acts had their shine. One Republic sounded good, but not exactly studio. The 13-year old thought Archuleta sounded better, but what does she know? I tried to explain live never sounds as good as the recording unless they're lip syncing. Gotta appreciate those that dare to go live.

So glad Cook ended the show with top honors. Much as I like Archuleta, Cook deserved to be crowned. Such a humble and nice guy, too. Loved when he brought the other Idol finalists out for his swan song. I only hope he keeps his humility.

Finally, props to my girl, Charlotte. Oh yes, that was her on the finale stage. Once again, singing back up for Jordin Sparks. When last season's tour stopped in Baltimore, I made a point to fawn over Charlotte. Unlike last year's finalists, she had no problem signing autographs for fans. As nice as nice could be. It's time that girl took her career to the next level.

Embattled Ohio Attorney General Resigns Over Sex Scandal

Okay all you wild and crazy politicians, for the last time, get it through your thick skulls. Stop acting like you're the Governor of New York. You are lowly public servants. The public isn't paying you good money to wet your doodles. If you want to remain in office, stop having illicit sexual affairs. That is all.

Salacious Celebrity Gossip Cracks Corn and I Don't Care

In like a lion, out like a lamb. Oh wait, that folksy attribute refers to March, not April. Where does the time go? Already it's May and temperatures in the Land of Pleasant Living still fluctuate between 80 and 40. I don't know if it's sweater or T-shirt weather when I tumble out of bed.

So too goes the celebrity gossip mill. This one's now an item with this one, and this one had too much to drink with that one, and, oh look over there, isn't that one's dress positively hideous?

For crying out loud, I know this stuff brings traffic to rumor peddlers and sells newsprint to the masses, but just once I'd like to search the blogosphere and read something other than fluffer-nutter, apparently, the nuttier the better.

I must not be searching hard enough. Get a load of the blather bouncing my way this morning.

JenJohn is hot and we've got the exclusive. "John Mayer is crazy about Jennifer Aniston."

Okay, so they're banging each other. Big deal. Ugh. Are those real tattoos down his left arm? Jen's toned and tanned body is too good for this boy toy Lothario. But, hey, if she's having a good time, more power to her. I just love the way the tabloids are so quick to brand their romp in the hay as a coupling. JenJohn? Why not AniMayer? You know, "animator," as in making up this whole "they're in love" garbage. New lust is more like it. I give Jen and John's "new love" three months top, if that.

The top cover teaser, "Star's divorce shocker"? Probably something about Al liking threesomes.

Mariah Carey flashing a big pink rock from admirer Nick Cannon can only mean they're engaged. They are engaged, aren't they? Neither one of them will say.

Despite reports of nuptials?, I say the big coy signifies something entirely different than the games celebs play. Already, these rumors are being shot down. Mariah and Nick are not Jay-Z and B, nor J.Lo and Mr. J.Lo, they're not even Brangelina (I hear she's nesting in France, preparing for the big birth). Just last week, I read a piece about Carey's desire to remain solo, now suddenly everyone is whispering about an "engagement/marriage?" to Nick Cannon.

To hot meat 12 years her junior? Get real. Nick's looking like a sick puppy dog. Trying to "buy" affection with bling is as old as Helen of Troy. Besides, it's second hand bling. Carey standing around flashing her pink hunka ice all giddy and coy, lapping up the attention for all it's worth is making everyone nuts.

Restoring sanity: Mimi is just banking the publicity for a rainy day, like a scrapbook to cherish if she ever lands back on the skids.

Rotund looking ill-dressed Eva Mendes may be with child. Just look at that bulge. Maybe she'll read this and do a cartwheel to confirm.

I adore this blog, but their intern's blind item is so sightless, it begs to be flamed. Geez, just look at your own side by side comparison pix showing Eva on an exercise jog with her trainer (cropped to ensure focus). In one photo, yeah, there's some puff, while in the other, nary a bump to be had. So, maybe Mendes had a little too much to drink the night before, or she's dealing with some bad PMS. Juicy dirt this is not.

Obviously, the intern has no first-hand knowledge of pregnancy, otherwise she'd realize the dead giveaway isn't the middle part of the torso. It's the top. As in "perky swell like crazy."

Might I recommend a crash course in baby bump spotting with the jokers over at FlyNet? Nice scoop catching Jessica Simpson BFF, Cacee Cobb, while out and about in el Lay. No doubt to prevent a lawsuit, these two wild and crazy guys wonder aloud whether she might actually be with child. Someone must have tipped them off. So much better than a blind item.

Indeed, gentlemen, this one looks so preggers it hurts to blog. Odds are 2 to 1 and I'm not even a gambler..

So, for what it's worth, there you have my pitiful assessment of the celebrity gossipsphere. Give me Mary Hart officiating at a wedding staged with the Made of Honor premiere any day. Is this even legal? Oh, the joys of trend spotting. The next big thing in people who want to marry but can't afford to hire their own band. Just remember. You heard it here first.

Update: Apparently, in the span of about two hours, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon went from flirting, to dating, to being engaged, to reportedly getting hitched, supposedly without a prenup. At least not the last time I checked. This story changes facts faster than SJP changes wardrobe in SATC: The Movie. Congratulations to the happy (giving this one year, tops) couple.

And just for the record, why no pc fire storm when Mrs. Cannon describes her new hubby as "articulate and literate?"

Justin Timberlake Super Bowl Commercial Misses the Mark

What an amazing Super Bowl. People can't stop talking about it. The last one and a half minutes of New England versus New York are now the stuff of football legend. Even unflappableTerry Bradshaw had his socks knocked off.

Speaking of lost footwear, I hope adolescent boys and men stuck in Peter Pan mode have a Pepsi jones and plenty of money to burn. Otherwise, that Justin Timberlake commercial won't likely cause a significant spike in Pepsi sales. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks, by the end of that ad the only people I wanted to see were the paramedics. Okay, Andy Samberg, Justin's junk in a box buddy, is an awesome blonde transvestite, but the slurpy stuff or those doodad rewards? Couldn't care less.



Ouch. OMG. Please, oh no, make it stop. Ow. Ow. Ooooo. Nooooo. Ouch! OUCH!! WTF!! Please, not there, no not in the .... OUCH!! Ooomph. Ow. Not again. That's gotta sting. Uh... here's hoping wardrobe fitted Justin with a cup of steel.

Enough. I've had enough. Make it go away. If I see any more, I'll get a charley horse from crossing my legs. Did they have to emasculate and practically kill Timberlake to go for the gold?

And this Paula Abdul comeback. What's up with that? What if someone was busy with more important stuff (like hanging with friends) during the Super Bowl pre-show? Who even knew there was a pre-show? Am I that out of it to think the football game didn't begin until game time?



Granted, Paula deserves an A for effort. She's a sexy dancer with fabulous choreography, but...erm... that song. How do I say this without sounding like Simon? It sucks. Well, that didn't go as expected. Look, that song coupled with Paula's studio enhanced lip syncing felt like waterboarding. The same beat with the same words over and over until if you're not actually drowning, you wish you were.

Paula's act needs better songs. This lip synced number from "What the Buck" is far more entertaining and the dancing is just as fun, if not better. Michael Buckley's got it going on. Surely, Paula can relate to that.