Catherine Zeta-Jones may look good in a mask and a tight flirty dress. I agree she deserved the 2002 Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her performance as Velma Kelly in the movie version of Chicago. But superstar? Come on. When was the last time the current Mrs. Michael Douglas opened a blockbuster or lined investor pockets by starring on Broadway? Anybody? Certainly, no one can claim her current film, No Reservations, will be anything more than a modest success. Haven’t seen it and after perusing reviews, don’t plan to. She’s not exactly the first actress who comes to mind when I think about Hollywood heavy weights.
The point is, Parade's piece of fluff goes so far overboard it’s treading open seas. Talk about pandering. This doughboy achieves a whole new level of obnoxious.
"I Never Expected This Life," gushes Catherine in the hard copy headline. If average folk like myself believed everything we read, we would sell our souls to the devil to trade places with her. "Charmed" does not do justice as a descriptive adjective for the life of Ms. Superstar Zeta-Jones.
Naturally beautiful. Two gorgeous healthy children. Amazing body. Paid millions to work in a career she loves. Married to a Hollywood power player. Crazy in love. Close relationships with parents and in-laws. Four luxury homes. Spends most of her time on the family’s Bermuda estate.
I could go on, but if I do, I may have to satisfy an irresistible urge to stick my finger down my throat. That would require stuffing my whole fist in my mouth, a feat I have yet to accomplish.
I hate this woman!
Not really. The truth is, I think Zeta-Jones is very talented. Generally, I enjoy her performances. I just can’t get over the level of envy this article engenders. No one’s life, not even Santa Clause's, is that blessed. Surely, she must suffer some degree of problems. Surely, she must put on her Manolo Blahniks one very luscious leg at a time. Surely, Ms. Wolf didn’t omit juicy tidbits alluding to the less than fab aspects of Catherine’s existence because there aren’t any.
For those who are similarly minded, look no further. What follows is my own inimitable conjecture gleaned from between the lines:
1. The relentless flash of American paparazzi left her with no choice but to plant her children in Bermuda, far away from the Hollywood buzz. As evidenced by her latest flick, being out of the loop prevents her from landing roles of substance.
2. Although her husband, Michael Douglas, is still very attractive, he looks like her grandfather and is probably older than her own father. That has to be a big turn off in the bedroom.
3. At age 62, it’s unlikely her children, ages 7 and 4, will have their father to guide them through the majority of their adult lives. Catherine will likely be single or remarried when the time comes to spend holidays, birthdays, and special occasions with any grandchildren.
4. I've never see her pictured with stepson, Cameron, who I hear has a drug problem. She also has to contend with ex-wife, Diandra. Family functions can’t be very pleasant.
5. She’s too famous to live in Great Britain, her native country. The large distance between her places of residence and the residence of her parents, with whom she says she is very close, has to at times be painful.
6. She is "always thinking something could happen" to her children when they engage in normal activities like climbing or jumping. Most famous people are also on guard for kidnappers and stalkers. She must worry every time her children are out in public or just plain out of sight.
7. The life her family leads is not in any sense “normal,” even though that’s the kind of life she says she wanted her family to have.
8. Her own husband says she’s a nightmare in the kitchen (to Wolf’s credit, the article briefly suggested as much).
9. She fights with people who cross her. This means there must a lot of people who don’t like her. I never hear about the Douglas’ friends or people who regularly hang around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Cat and Michael have oodles friends. I just can’t help but think hers are of the phony persuasion.
10. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." After describing a litany of fears primarily concerning her children and Michael’s driving, she emphatically declares, "I don’t live afraid." Hah! Having signed a prenup paying more in the event Michael cheats, along with other valid concerns, I’d say she has plenty more to fear than the average bear.