Charlize Theron Sued for Dripping in Competitor Jewels

Carefully orchestrated product placement isn't insidious enough for some retailers. Now, New Age entrepreneurs quietly pay high-priced celebrities to subliminally hawk their wares.

Mmmmm, doesn't Nicole Kidman's perfume smell divine? Product placement.

And that to-die-for Charlize Theron bling? Product placement too.

Or is it?

No, says Swiss jeweler and watchmaker Raymond Weil. Weil paid Theron a cool $3 mill to model his luxury watches and baubles. He also bought the right to her name and image. Just one niggly detail in this 18-month sweetheart deal. An exclusivity requirement, as in "Don't wear my competitor's rocks while you're under contract or you'll live to regret it."

Print ads and candids from the red carpet later showed Theron dripping in rival gems.

Weil must have felt awfully foolish. He sued Theron in U.S. District Court for breach of contract, claiming she donned a Christian Dior watch, Montblanc jewelry and Cartier jewels while under contract. He also alleged that Chopard paid her six figures to model their high-end baubles during the exclusivity period.

Theron must be one foxy conniving diva to attempt a fast one like that. Can't blame her for liking fashion, but also can't understand why she would defy a paltry detail about exclusivity. Certainly, she understood the fine print when she signed on to become a walking billboard.

Maybe she thought the terms of her deal didn't apply to Academy Award winners.

Sorry to break the news to Theron, but cushy seven figure jobs do come with a price. This one's was to play the part of a sell-out. And even that was too much for m'lady.

Brad Pitt Rescues Fan and Other Celebolitics Shorts

The Tuesday Wrap:

A hero of The Venice Film Festival can now rest comfortably on his laurels. As an anxious fan almost fell into the canals below, Brad Pitt reflexively offered a hand to scoop him away. Pitt then gave the boy an autograph before making a quick exit stage left. [more]

He's here, he's there, he's everywhere. If there isn't a limit to striking the iron while it's hot, there should be. In addition to scheduled appearances on the season openers of Oprah Winfrey and Saturday Night Live, Olympic champion Michael Phelps paraded with Mickey, filmed a cameo with Ari Gold, and accepted an invitation to present at MTV's Video Music Awards. Is there anything the eight medal in one Olympian cannot do? Yeah. Lead a victory parade in his own hometown. Happy hobnobbing, Phelps. [more]

Baltimore isn't the only town holding its breath for a celebration. The Republican National Convention remains on high alert as big names cancel appearances right and left. The political correctness of Hurricane Gustav is killing 'em in St. Paul, Minnesota. Let's hope the same doesn't happen to residents of The Big Easy. [more]

CCTV had an eye-opener when actor Josh Harnett and a lady friend drew the curtains in a seemingly secluded portion of the Soho Hotel library. Little did they know, employees gawked as video cameras captured their explicit sexcapades. Afterward, Harnett was quietly asked to take his business elsewhere. [more]

Model and singer Grace Jones sent tongues wagging with a bizarre array of stage outfits and headgear. Strutting her stuff at the Electric Arena in Ireland, the fishnet clad diva's mental well-being was recently called into question. [more]

Another celebrity boy toy hits the scene, this time with 50-year old actress Sharon Stone. She and charity supporter Chase Dreyfous, 24, were recently spotted getting cozy in Malibu, California. The pair have been seeing each other for about two months. [more]

Always wanted to be a movie star but never fit the bill? Now's your chance to be a reality star... in the comfort of your living room, that is. Announcing "Imagine Movie Star." Oh yeah, it's for real. In a fantasy sort of way. [more]

And in big duh news, Amy Winehouse's incessant drug use is feared to have caused brain damage (must not go there...hold tongue....too easy... moving on). [more]


Daily Arrested:

Former British Celebrity Big Brother contestant, Jack Tweed, 21, was sentenced to 18 months in Chelmsford Crown Court for a 2006 assault. [more]

An assistant to Ginger Baker, prominent musician of the 1960s band "Cream," is on trial for twenty-seven counts of fraud. Baker had hired the former bank employee to help him with his finances only to find about 21,000 pounds missing from his account and fraud alerts disabled. [more]


Celebrity Causes:

Critically acclaimed actor Johnny Depp got on board with the Dan Marino Foundation. Depp played with former band, "The Kids" for half an hour in Pompano Beach, Florida to benefit special needs children. [more]

Kate Moss, Liam Gallagher, and Jude Law have donated personal items for charity. Among the items being sold to raise money for Breast Cancer Care are a signed pair of Christian Louboutin peep toe stilettos, a Martin Margiela suit worn in the remake of Alfie, a signed guitar, a leather jacket from Gary Kemp's days in the Spandau Ballet, and an original Jake Chapman drawing. [more]

Maybe it's a guilty conscience. Jude Law is also donating his time in war torn Afghanistan to maintain momentum for The United Nation's Peace Day celebration. Law says he wants more people to recognize the day because he believes it help save lives. [more]

"I Kissed A Girl" pop star, Kate Perry, plastered her chest to raise money for breast cancer research. Keep-A-Breast.org will receive all proceeds from the MTV video and ample bust casting. [more]

U2 frontman Bono and fashion designer Giorgio Armani have once again convinced actress Julia Roberts to design a T-shirt for charity. Her treetop acronym design will benefit the global fight against AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria. [more]

The mother of all telethons smashed records once again. The organization run by comedian Jerry Lewis raised a record $65 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association over Labor Day weekend. [more]


Civil Matters:

Claiming age discrimination, UK Channel Five replacement Selina Scott is taking the station and its Director of Programmes Ben Gale to the London Employment Tribunal. The former face of News at Ten, age 57, claims she did not receive a final contract to fill in for pregnant newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky because Gale wanted "a younger face." [more]

Survivor producer Mark Burnett filed a complaint with the California Labor Commission alleging former associate Conrad Riggs violated The Talent Agencies Act, a little known law generally used in disputes between actors and agents. Burnett claims Riggs acted as his de facto agent, defrauding him of fees and commissions. [more]

Celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz is being sued to pay for renovations to her Greenwich Village townhouse. Documents claim she has racked up debts totalling more than $700,000. [more]

The lies are not true. Novelist Salman Rushdie won a libel suit against former bodyguard Ronald Evans. Rather than claim damages for the harm to his professional reputation, Rushdie only sought reimbursement of legal expenses. [more]


Gone But Not Forgotten:

Host of the gardening television show, Sow What and Australian celebrity gardener, Kevin Heinze. Heart attack at age 81.

Australian actor, writer and director Michael Pate. Lung infection at age 88.

Theatrical comedian Ken Campbell. Unknown causes at age 66.

The King of Voiceovers, Don LaFontaine. Complications from pneumothorax at age 68.

Gone With the Wind suitor, Fred Crane. Complications from diabetes at age 90.

Madonna's an Old Fart, Sheridan Bolton have No Heart, and HBO Series 'Entourage' Gets Off to a Great Start

Between last week and this week, life went horribly awry. Both the dryer and the upstairs toilet broke, leaving a small army's worth of smelly towels and rugs. Got a sunburn to die for while recuperating from a face first dive beneath the sea. Slam went the boogie board as my nose followed bloodied and bruised. Oh, and there's no justice in America. Try sitting in a courtroom all day pleading for mercy only to have the stinking judge throw the book and kitchen sink at one very misguided relative. Despite my best intentions to make this a daily, once again, it's the weekly Wrap of Crap.



Sticky and sweet may have deeper significance for popfart Madonna. Explicitly lewd love letters and photographs expressing her penchant for spanking may be part of a February exhibition entitled "Simply Madonna: Materials of the Girl." From the same slut who brought us the offensively raunchy coffee table book SEX, comes the threat of legal action if former lover Jame Albright puts her oh so private materials on display.

Oh hooray. Speaking of Madonna, we can all stop worrying about her very public feud with Sir Elton John. It's over. The Goodbye Yellow Brick Road crooner was spotted along with musician Bono enthusiastically clapping at her Sticky and Sweet performance in Nice, France.

It's deja vu all over again. Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have once again called it quits. The couple dated for five years before ending their relationship in 1997, then became engaged in March, 2006. Seems to me like a revolving door of domestic tranquility with someone balking at walking down the aisle.

Los Angeles based 220 Laboratories is suing actress Kate Hudson for revealing its secret hair care ingredient to competitor David Babaii. Hudson allegedly made a verbal agreement to promote the company's line of products before letting the cat out of the bag. A representative for Hudson denies all accusations.

By now, everyone knows about the trials and tribulations of "Valkyrie," the expected Christmas Day turkey. Twelve extras are suing Tom Cruise and his production company United Artists for $11 million, alleging negligence and personal injury. The cast members suffered broken bones, cuts, pulled ligaments and bruises when the side panel of an antique German army truck flew open. Plaintiffs' lawyer claims the truck had not been properly secured. Might explain why Cruise and former business partner Paula Wagner recently parted ways.

He knows they're out there. That's probably why The X-Files and Californication star David Duchovny entered a rehab facility for treatment of a sex addiction. Never mind whatever threats of divorce may or may not have been made by fellow actor and wife, Tea Leoni. Both parties have pleaded for privacy during this extremely painful time for their family.

Fans who attended Neil Diamond's Ohio State University concert on Monday, August 25th may request a refund from now until September 5th. The "Sweet Caroline" singer suffered acute laryngitis, making his voice sound raspy during the performance.

The Broadway production of Grease will get another infusion of American Idol lubricant. Season 5 performer Ace Young will play Kenickie from September 9th through January 18th, joining the cast just as Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks exits his role as teen angel.

Illegal downloads will land you in jail. Honestly, they're not worth it. At the very least, don't be like this poor sap. If you ever need a deterrent, look at the FBI turning the life of 27-year old Kevin Cogill upside down. The blogger, who is suspected of streaming songs from the unreleased Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy, must pay a $10,000 fine and appear for a September 17th preliminary hearing to answer charges of felony copyright infringement.

Attention all tweeny boppers and the parents who lavish them with love and affection. Verizon Wireless and Samsung are running a contest with the top prize of a Bahamas vacation with The Jonas Brothers. For details, visit the official site.

The HBO hit series Entourage will team up in a big way with Virgin America. From now until the end of September, flights from New York to Las Vegas will be renamed "Entourage Air." Lucky fans on the September 4th flight will receive free swag and get to watch the premiere. The airline will also rename their first class seating "Entourage Class."

Ellen DeGeneres to Wed, Jackson Browne Seeing Red, and Lindsay Sharing Bed

You clamoured for mundane celebrity gossip and we're going to give it to you. Another edition of The Weekly Wrap of Crap.

McCain and the RNC finally went too far. Musician Jackson Browne is the latest aggrieved celebrity with a beef against the Senator from Arizona. Browne joins an ever expanding list of celebrities with copyright infringement claims against McCain and the Republican Party, including Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Paris Hilton, ABBA, and John Mellencamp. Ohio RNC chairman Robert Bennett pulled the ad after Browne filed suit in L.A. U.S. District Court.

Contrary to persistent rumors, Madonna is not adopting another child. Or maybe she is. We're so confused. Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg has been known to issue misleading news in the past.

Ben Stiller continues to battle backlash against his latest film Tropic Thunder. But not for the reasons most people suspect. Apparently, Stiller is an equal opportunity offender, placing Caucasian actor Robert Downey, Jr. in black face, and repeatedly using the "r" word to refer to developmentally challenged children.

BET debuts a cross between Keith Olbermann and Bill Maher with a black perspective this Friday at 11 p.m. Entertainment news program The Truth With Jeff Johnson is the latest entry in the political entertainment genre.

It's wedding bells for DeGeneres and de Rossi. Popular talk show host Ellen DeGeneres and fiance Portia de Rossi plan to wed in a same-sex ceremony this weekend.

Get a chance to see what life looks like through the eyes of a famous celebrity. A-list stars donated their eyeglasses for an eBay charity auction benefiting Sightsavers International. Bidding ends on August 24th. Money from the auction will fund the work of the international blindness charity in 33 countries across Africa, Asia and the Caribbean to prevent and cure blindness and support people who are permanently blind or visually impaired. Former spectacle owners include Sir Michael Caine, designer Bruce Oldfield, George Michael, and Ewan McGregor.

Elizabeth Edwards is reportedly anguished over husband John's admitted affair with a campaign aide. Edwards was "unprepared for the amount of disgust and how swiftly everything else he had done in his career would be wiped away, and ... really reeling from that and afraid what it will do to their legacy as a couple and what their children will inherit." Maybe Edwards should have considered the scum sucking fallout before hopping into bed with a flooze.

Check out the "Celebs to Watch Out For" list. Paparazzi, you've been warned.

It's official. Lindsay Lohan confirms sharing a bed with lover Samantha Ronson. Lohan hasn't been with a man since the two started dating. Reportedly Sam has a real calming effect on the former wild child and the two are inseparable. Any relationship helping Lindsay tone down her hard partying ways is a big plus in my eyes.

Weight loss stories sell magazines. Just ask actress Jennifer Love Hewitt. After admonishing the tabloids for shining the spotlight on her cellulite, she encouraged women to be proud of their own bodies whatever shape or size. Now the star of Ghost Whisperer announces dropping 18 pounds in 10 weeks. "I am in a pretty good workout regimen that I like, so it inspired me to keep it up," Hewitt told US Magazine. Her trainer claims she didn't drop the weight to look good in a dress but failed to offer any other plausible motivation.

Johnny Vieira Lawsuit Has Vanessa Hudgens Singing the Blues

Be still my heart. Can the obscure Spewker Celebrity Politics Blog out-scoop "celebrity justice" monopoly TMZ.com after all?

Perhaps. Although, bots are raging with the latest Vanessa Hudgens "lawsuitical."

In the interests of going to press, I'll be brief. Fox 'Pop Tarts' Holly McKay broke the story, subsequently gossip-girled, making the lean tanned firmly-toned legs on this one like chasing a unicorn.

Songwriter and music producer Johnny Vieira doing business as "Johnny on the Spot Productions" is suing Disney's all-American sweetheart Hudgens, father Greg Hudgens, unidentifiable business entity Hollywood Records, and 1-50 John Does for breach of contract, breach of fiduciary duty, aiding and abetting breach of fiduciary duty, recission [sic], fraud, and defamation, claiming what appears to be in excess of $22 million dollars damages, unspecified punitive damages, the undoing of a settlement agreement, and hoo-boy, maybe indentured servitude ... it was hard to read between the lines of the 27-page complaint.

Word has it that Greg Hudgens allegedly smeared Vieira in an email while trying to warn others about his predatory business practices. Last time I looked, it was talent beware in the Land of Oz. Even to this rube, seems like anyone trying to rep talent as "Johnny on the Spot" would be viewed more as sewer receptacle than respectable business partner.

Costner and Grammar Allegedly Pilfered 'Swing Vote' Outside Three Mile Zone

Looking for all the hot "celebrity justice" stories? Well, keep on surfing.

We can barely get the jump on behemoth TMZ.com. Yesterday, all the gavel bangers worth knocking about literally flooded their homepage, including the gruesome knifing of an ex-girlfriend by some bit player in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Lately, before I can catch a whiff of any celebrity mauling, assault, DUI, carjacking, civil suit, you name it, TMZ has already left the building. It's gotten so bad, I'm beginning to wonder whether this tiny division of celebrity politics is worth my time.

But then news of a copyright infringement suit against Kelsey Grammar, Kevin Costner, Jason Richman, The Walt Disney Company, Walt Disney Pictures, and Touchstone Pictures, et al. wafts my way and once again, all is right with the world.

Not for the muckety-mucks, natch. I'm just giddy over finding a lawsuit that isn't spread-eagle on the TMZ homepage.

Bradley Blakeman, a former aide to President Bush, claims he gave Grammar a screenplay entitled Go November. Somehow, Kevin Costner and his daughter stole elements of said screenplay to create their latest release, Swing Vote.

I don't know how Blakeman intends to show his screenplay's chain of command from Grammar to Costner, but you can't blame a guy for trying. I'd be outraged too if bits and pieces of this blog ended up on another website packaged as something slightly different (yet oh so familiar) and ... oh ... well ...

Never mind.

[Scum sucking Source]

The George Clooney Curse, Lohan Christian Values, and Other Celebolitic Shorts

This site isn't the only one mixing up politics and celebrities. In today's "Bastard Child," a sampling of mutant celebolitic spawn from around the country.

Does dating George Clooney cause a curse on future hapiness? Yes, according to Britain's Next Top Model judge Lisa Snowden. "It's not something I planned but I just don't get asked out any more. Men seem to look at me and think, 'She went out with George Clooney, what chance have I got?'" The 36-year old model also says her five year on-again-off-again relationship with Clooney hurt her career.

Australian Idol winner Kate DeAraugo won't be hawking diet products on behalf of weight loss conglomerate Jenny Craig. Citing "personal health issues," the break-out star is otherwise mum about the reason for the split.

Actor Richard Dreyfus wants his money back. In a lawsuit filed last Friday against his father and uncle, Dreyfus claims damages of $870,000.

Michael Lohan says his Christian faith would prevent him from giving away famous daughter Lindsay in a gay wedding ceremony. When discussing Lindsay's public love affair with DJ Samantha Ronson, Lohan insists he wants his daughter "to be happy." Guess that Christian faith didn't get in the way of puportedly fathering Lindsay's illegitimate half-sister Ashley.

The "Lonely Loony" aka the "Lusty Lord of the Manor of Warleigh" David Piper, who once advertised for a Lady of the Manor and attracted applications from all around the world, is selling "his whole life" on eBay and hasn't ruled out the possibility of throwing himself into the bargain.

I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T is homophobic. Nevertheless, T pelted a wiggling yellow clad speed walker with candy bars, screaming "You are a disgrace to the man race. It's time to run like a real man" and "Get some nuts!" in a UK Snickers commercial. The ad was pulled after gay rights groups complained.

A dispute over a 1988 film of the late Rodney Dangerfield has been settled. Dangerfield's daughter, Melanie Roy-Friedman, allowed Comedy Central to air the master copy of her father's act without permission from stepmother Joan. Under the terms of settlement all copyrights to Dangerfield's act are held by his widow, Joan Dangerfield.

The upcoming Democratic National Convention promises a roster of stars reading like a Hollywood premiere. Big name celebrities are expected to attend parties hosted by AT&T, MTV, and Rock The Vote. Kanye West, Wyclef Jean, the rap/rock fusion band N.E.R.D., Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Warren Beatty, Annette Bening, Forrest Whitaker, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Cheryl Hines, and Ed Norton Jr. are just a few of the A-Listers convention spokesman Chris Lopez will neither confirm nor deny are on the guest list.

Can't decide who to vote for in the upcoming presidential election? Why bother with political platforms when pop culture icons might influence the vote? John McCain favors Batman, ABBA, Roy Orbison, Linda Ronstadt, Usher, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Dexter, Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and Dennis Hasbert in 24. Barack Obama favors Batman, Spiderman, Frank Sinatra, Bob Dylan, Sheryl Crow, John Coltrane, M*A*S*H, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Shrek the Third, and Jeff Bridges in The Contender.

Jewel Elopes, Osteen Trial Plays Race Card, and Miss Universe Models Nude

Okay, we've succumbed to the pressure. You clamoured for mundane celebrity gossip and we're going to give it to you. Introducing a brand new feature here at The Spewker, The Weekly Wrap of Crap.

Jay-Z will not confirm or deny his marriage to Beyonce even though US Magazine caught him out and about with a wedding ring. Mr. Carter considers personal matters off limits to the news. In other words, NOYDB. Get the full story at Vibe. In related news, cosmetics giant L'Oreal denies lightening Beyonce's skin in recent print ads.

Celebrity pastor Joel Osteen's wife is fighting to keep 10% of her net worth in an ongoing civil suit. Continental flight attendant Maria Brown is suing Victoria Osteen for assaulting her over a drink spill. The Osteens left the flight, leading to a $3,000 fine by the FAA. Jurors audibly gasped as Osteen's attorney accused Plaintiff's witness of testifying by playing the race card. The ugliness continues in a Houston, Texas courtroom.

19-year old Joshua Allen is the Season 4 winner of So You Think You Can Dance. Read yesterday's spoiler alert at Entertainment Weekly.

Harvey Weinstein shoved Catherine Zeta-Jones' latest release under the bus. His new distribution company Third Rail Releasing dumped Death Defying Acts in the UK after last week's dismal U.S. box office receipts. The film opened in two theaters and made less than $4,000.

Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty continue getting hot and steamy. Despite reports of reconciliation with his wife, Getty and Miller were spotted together Wednesday in a Malibu Country Mart shopping center.

Tons of celebrity divorces in the works. Dixie Chicks Emily Robison finalized her divorce with crooner Charlie Robison. Tennis star Pam Shriver filed for divorce from actor George Lazenby. Cynthia Rodriguez filed for divorce from New York Yankee's star Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod shot back with a request for enforcement of their prenup. Pro-wrestler Ric Flair may be headed for divorce after muddled reports surfaced about wife Tiffany filing papers. Boston Red Sex owner John Henry reached an out of court settlement with wife Peggy Sue Henry. And actor Morgan Freeman and wife Myrna Colley-Lee filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. The two were separated before Freeman's serious car accident and subsequent hospitalization. Freeman was released from the hospital sometime after 12 noon yesterday.

Elvis' famous peacock jumpsuit sold for a record $300,000 at auction. It was the highest amount ever bid for Elvis memorabilia. Daughter Lisa Marie is pregnant with twins.

David and Victoria Beckham, Kate Moss, Liam Gallagher, and Patsy Kensit made the short list of sixteen contenders vying for the title of "most influential magazine cover off all time."

Singer Jewel and longtime rodeo star boyfriend Ty Murray eloped, surprising tabloids after living together for more than ten years.

The new Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, will not lose her title for modeling jewelry in the nude. The controversial photos were taken before she competed for the crown.

Denise Richards is an "unappealing reality star" and her E! show faces possible cancellation. Viewers are fleeing in droves after the Charlie Sheen-ex used foul language on her show and publicly battled Sheen in an ugly custody battle for their two toddler daughters.

50 Cent Files Lawsuit Tellling Taco Bell Why It Should Pay More

50 Cent is well on his way to setting a new world record.

Not for the number of lawsuits filed by the same sorry you-know-what rapper claiming infringement of intellectual property rights. Naw, Fiddy is about to grab the brass ring for all-time record number of news organizations running the same sorry you-know-what AP story describing his lame lawsuit against Taco Bell.

Just goes to show no one really wants to spend any time doing an in-depth piece on this poo.

In fact, his lawsuit against Yum Brands, Inc. (YUM), owner of the popular Taco Bell chain, may go down in history as one of the most sorry you-know-what meritless pieces of groundless drivel ever filed in a U.S. District Court. Can't wait to see the fallout from this one and just hoping those Yummy suits know how to file a super-sized counterclaim for utterly baseless blather.

I mean, how many times am I supposed to read,

50 Cent has sued Taco Bell, claiming the fast-food restaurant chain is using his name without permission in advertising that asks him to call himself 99 Cent.

The rapper says in a federal lawsuit filed Wednesday that the Mexican-themed chain features him in a print ad asking him to change his name to 79 Cent, 89 Cent or 99 Cent. His real name is Curtis Jackson.

The rapper's court papers claim the ad is part of Taco Bell's "Why Pay More?" campaign, which promotes items for under a dollar, including Cinnamon Twists for 79 cents, Crunchy Tacos for 89 cents and Bean Burritos for 99 cents. The papers say the Irvine, Calif.-based company sent a bogus letter requesting the name change to the news media but not to the rapper.

without going lollipop bonkers?

Thank heaven for a slight amount of originality.

If anyone in the world has actually seen the offending advertisement, they're doing an amazing job of keeping it off the Internet. I can't say for certain, but I'm willing to lay odds it's in the style of other publicized open letters, none of which could easily be characterized as an unauthorized advertisment. As long as the ad didn't contain Fiddy's likeness or copyrighted material, Yummy is in the clear.

As for providing a copy of the open letter to news outlets before sending it off to Fiddy, what's the harm? Does he really think that's going to prove Taco Bell didn't intend to make good on its offer? That they were staging a sly publicity stunt?

Uh, yeah, good luck with that argument. Sorry, but it isn't going to fly. I wouldn't be surprised if the judge laughed Fiddy's sorry you-know-what straight out of court.

Oooo. Four million dollars claimed, shakedown for one. He must be down to his last "fiddy" cents if he's going down this lane. And the ridicule he claims is everywhere on the Internet? Let's just say it's less about Taco Bell using his image without permission and more about his sorry you-know-what performances at rich kids' Bar Mitzvahs and sorry you-know-what albums with the same tired you-know-what lyrics. Fiddy has milked getting shot so many times even his fans are sick of listening to him. In other words, his fans were calling him a sellout long before Taco Bell came along.

Loss of his fan base, disappointing album sales, a suspicious fire, massive legal bills connected to the controversy with his baby momma. A culmination of problems like this could easily take its toll.

Fiddy should have made good on his vow to leave the recording business rather than become fodder for the 'bloids. I almost feel sorry for him, then get angry thinking about his lawsuit clogging up the court system.

Fiddy's odds of winning this lawsuit are so astronimically low as to make me question the motives of his legal team. Lawsuits like this give lawyers a bad name. Principled lawyers would have talked their client out of such nonsense, but then nothing surprises me when it comes to celebrities.

I'm not into fast food so it took a short while to get up to speed, but from what I can see, a fast food rap video caught wildfire a couple years back. Since then, hordes of aspiring rappers have taken their lyrics to the street, pulling into drive-through lines and rapping away. Taco Bell capitalized on the craze by crafting a "Why Pay More" ad campaign and reducing the cost of certain menu items to under a dollar.

Smart marketing or foreshadowing SNAFU?

Some suit whose job is probably now on the line ratcheted up the ad campaign to create more buzz. An open letter to down and out Fiddy was a win-win idea with virtually no downside. Fiddy's career would have benefited. On the other hand, waves of negativity had already rippled through the blogosphere, charging the ad campaign with racial insensitivity. At that point, leaving well enough alone might have been a good idea, but corporate is not the type to sit on its laurels.

The First Amendment protects a published open letter that doesn't otherwise infringe on intellectual property rights. Even then Fiddy's claims might be difficult to prove, especially alleged damages of four million dollars. If for some crazy reason this lawsuit moves forward, 50 Cent can expect to lose a lot more in lawyer fees than he could ever expect to gain.

To illustrate the lawsuit's frivolity, I'll leave you with a slew of videos mimicking the popular spoof that likely started it all. If Fiddy thinks Taco Bell's "Why Pay More" campaign was somehow modeled after him or his rap music, maybe it's because his sorry you-know-what lawyers couldn't tell him apart from the guy in this Burger King video.

You know how them gangsta rappers all look 'like.

ORIGINAL EBAUMS WORLD SPOOF

TACO BELL

WENDY'S

KFC

WHITE CASTLE

McDONALDS

ARBY'S

Update: It boggles my mind how many news organizations are still reporting this lawsuit using the same boring AP story. One blogger at last provided useful links to the actual lawsuit and trademark information. Kudos to Corpreform, a nice play on words.

Trademark infringement is a specialized area of law. Nuances are many. Still, I have not changed my opinion. This lawsuit is likely a thinly disguised ploy for publicity, an infuriatingly unnecessary clog in the court system. Trademark does not necessarily require prior permission to publicize words in an issued mark. The manner in which the words are used is key. That is where 50 Cent's legal team went down the mistaken path.

Yes, Fiddy has the rights to a mark that includes the words "50" and "Cent," but that does not preclude people from using the printed words "50 Cent" in a normal manner. Only the mark itself is protected, and believe me, there is a difference. Otherwise, every person in the world would trademark their name or stage name, requiring prior permission from anyone wanting to use said name in a third party manner. See how ridiculous?

To date, I have not seen a reprint of the original print advertisement, but would guess we're still referring only to the letter reviewed by reporters. In that case the lawsuit is frivolous as panned and the sooner kicked out of court the better.

FCC Fine Tossed for Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction

Oh great. A three-panel appellate court invalidated indecency fines levied against network powerhouse CBS and its affiliate stations, ruling the FCC acted "arbitrarily and capriciously" in assessing the penalties.

Oh yeah? Well, five 12-year old boys were sitting on my couch watching that game, and not on MTV, I might add. I don't think their parents appreciated them getting a load of Janet Jackson's ridiculous sunburst on network TV.

That malfunction was so planned. Arbitrary and capricious my eye.

Post Oscar Celebrity Legal Briefs

With the glow of Oscars fading in the west, it's reality check time. Oh yes, even the stars have their share of legal woes. Submitted for your approval, a sampling of today's civil matters in the world of entertainment

In the "Here We Go Again" department, Pamela Anderson is seeking an annulment from husband number "I can't keep track anymore" Rick Salomon. Can't imagine why the Baywatch babe is claiming fraud, although what did she expect getting married on a whim?

Jessica Seinfeld's ex, Eric Nederlander, is a two-time loser. He's agreed to vacate the "hate nest" of wife number two just weeks after the birth of their first child. Apparently, Number Two's training as a child psychologist was all for naught.

The sad saga of Britney Spears will remain in state court. An attorney claiming to represent the embattled pop princess tried to move the case to federal court by alleging violation of her constitutional rights. By the time all the lawyers are done picking apart this pie, there may not be much fame and fortune left for her to squander.

The Maccas have been told to clear their calendars for March 17th. That's when a British judge is tenatively scheduled to award Heather Mills a financial settlement in the couple's hotly contested divorce. Sir Paul had hoped to keep the lid on the details, but refused to buckle to m'lady's demands. A public airing of their dirty laundry will likely occur when the judge issues his final ruling.

After having his day in court on charges of defamation, paparazzo Jamie Fawcett was ordered to pay legal fees to the Sun-Herald. A jury found the newspaper liable for defamation, however, the paper called Nicole Kidman as a witness and successfully established it had only reported the truth.
A bank is foreclosing Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. The King of Pop has until March 19th to pay off an overdue balance of about $25M.

Rambo wants revenge. Anthony Pellicano, the private investigator scheduled to go on trial for illegally wiretapping the phones of celebrities, intercepted Sylvester Stallone's private calls in February 2002. Although settled, the interceptions occurred about the same time Stallone sued his former business manager over losses related to the Planet Hollywood restaurant chain.

Alfred Beardsley, the memorabilia dealer caught up in the O.J. Simpson snafu, filed suit against Thomas Riccio, the mastermind behind the Simpson TMZ video. Beardsley is claiming unspecified damages for invasion of privacy, fraud, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and unjust enrichment. In September, 2007, Simpson and friends raided Beardsley's Las Vegas hotel room and seized several items Simpson claimed as his own. Criminal charges remain pending.

The John Ritter wrongful death trial is now in its fourth week. The beloved actor's survivors are suing a cardiologist and radiologist for $67M. Many tearfully testified about Ritter's sudden demise, including then co-star Katey Sagal, son Jason Ritter, and personal assistant Jessica Pilch-Samuel.

Countering a copyright case filed by video game maker Capcom, producers of the Dawn of the Dead films are fighting back. MKR President and chief shareholder Richard Rubinstein believes Capcom's Dead Rising video game is a knock-off of key plot elements in the popular movie franchise.

Producer's of America's Hot Musician, the non-profit organization American Youth Symphony, filed suit against Canadian all-female metal band "Kittie" for $5M. Countering show related threats of legal retaliation, the producers hit back claiming tortious interference with business practices, fraud and libel.

THIS JUST IN:
R.I.P. William F. Buckley, sage political commentator, dead at the age of 82.

Presidents Day Civil Matters for Backlogged Celebrities

Civil litigation is all the rage from Hollywood to New York and abroad. Our feature "Civil Suits" keeps you abreast of developments in new and pending celebrity litigation.

Sir Paul will pay ex-wife Heather Mills a $145M structured settlement to shut 'er big yap and move along. Favorable publicity must mean a lot to that bloke. But then, what's $145M when you're worth $1.84B?

Constitutional law attorney, Jon Eardley, filed suit in federal court on behalf of Britney Spears. Her new gun for hire claims her father's continuing state conservatorship violates Britney's constitutional rights.

Lawyers for Prince, the Village People, and a host of other big names plan to slap Swedish file-sharing site, Pirate Bay, with a multi-million dollar lawsuit for illegal downloads. The brains behind the site were previously sued by studio goliaths.

The el Lay version of Graceland is under attack. The owners want to demolish the property, citing lack of privacy. Fans of Richard and Karen Carpenters' childhood home, featured on an album cover and site of Karen's final collapse, are seeking to preserve the structure.

Candy-coated chocolate is causing quite a stir in Manhattan. The "Naked Cowboy," as he is known to fans, is suing M&M Candy maker Mars for $6M, claiming stolen identity.

Senator Barack Obama was robbed in New York. Actually, a recount is underway for the Democratic presidential contender. Votes from many districts were not properly recorded and at least one City Councilman is crying foul.

Celebrities Served 12.31.07

Not wanting to step on the toes of a more prominent site reporting celebrity justice, the following lesser known shorts were gleaned over the past week from a variety of sources:


CRIMINAL MATTERS

Mischa Barton was released on $10,000 bail after being busted for DUI, possession of a controlled substance and marijuana, and driving with a suspended license. Police pulled her over for driving in two lanes of traffic and failing to signal.

Amy Winehouse wants to recant her confession to possession of marijuana. A Norwegian court has summoned the chanteuse to appear on February 29, 2008. Winehouse has seen her share of legal problems over the past year. After her jailed husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, failed a drug test, authorities banned the couple from having personal contact during prison visits. Winehouse was later arrested for interfering with a police investigation.

Thieves stole expensive shoes and a personalized designer robe from Posh Spice a.k.a. Victoria Beckham. The singer is on a reunion tour with her former rock band, The Spice Girls.

Sugababe Amelle Berrabah’s boyfriend, Freddie Fuller, was the victim of a bizarre Christmas Eve machete attack. Police have arrested a 28-year old man on suspicion of attempted murder.

Party promoter, Apollo Holmes, is wanted on aggravated assault charges after brutally beating personal fitness trainer, Darius Miller, outside a Peachtree Street nightclub. Miller remains hospitalized in a coma.


CIVIL ACTIONS

An ex-girlfriend is suing NYPD Blue star, Esai Morales, for transmitting herpes through forcible sex. Lawyers for Elizabeth Mazzocchi say two other women have come forward with similar claims.

Radio broadcasters are livid over a bill working its way through Congress. Traditionally able to play music without paying associated performance fees, the bill would place radio stations on a level playing ground with other music media providers.

The "truth" hurts. Chuck Norris is suing Penguin publishers and author, Ian Spector, for a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name.

Five children of the late James Brown are challenging their lack of inheritance. Doubts were cast on the validity of the famed singer's last will and testament after earlier drafts indicated conflicting intention.

A devoted "Trekkie" fan is suing Christie’s auction house, claiming a prop auctioned for $6,000.00 was fake. Calls to CBS Paramount were not immediately returned.

A lesser known musician is accusing Baby Shambles rocker, Pete Doherty, of stealing an original song without affording proper credit. We imagine the suit is about money, not fame, although the two sometimes do go hand in hand.

In other disputes concerning failure to authorize, Indie rock groups have filed a class action lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds Tobacco, magazine legend Rolling Stone, and Wenner Media. The bands claim they were not consulted about an illustrated spread which deceptively included advertisements for Camel cigarettes. A number of bands also want public apologies.

AND LOOK WHO'S GETTING OR IS FINALLY DIVORCED,

Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson
Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen
David Faustino and Andrea Faustino
Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn


CELEBRITY POLITICS

Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens may come to heads over testimony cited in the Mitchell Report. The controversial Report doesn’t stop with athlete outings. Entertainer, Carrot Top, was also cited for unusual body beefing.

Superstar, Will Smith, is angry over the backlash against his misinterpreted Hitler sympathies. For the record, Smith believes "Adolph Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet."

Before airing The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York," Britain’s Radio One tried to dub the words "slut" and "faggot" from the 20-year old festive hit. After much public criticism, the song aired as intended.

In a bizarre ban indicative of political strong-arming, The Motion Picture Association of America rejected a movie poster design for Taxie to the Dark Side, a documentary exposing the U.S. government’s use of torture. The MPAA claimed the poster was unacceptable for the eyes of young children.

Poor Wesley Snipes has resorted to playing the race card in his tax evasion dispute. Listen, crybaby, we like your films, but you’ll never get ahead in this world if you keep blaming everything on the color of your skin. The truth will win out in court, and if not, cough up the money and move on.

The White Rose Coalition, a group of anti-war activists who count Cindy Sheehan among its members, is planning a pre-parade demonstration in Pasadena tomorrow. The planned site of the 119th Annual Tournament of Roses Parade is calling for added police protection.

British Airways suffered some political backlash after allowing the minor son of celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsey, to travel on an invalid passport. Other passengers/customers are crying a preferential treatment foul.

One of our favorite actresses, Julia Roberts, spent $30million transforming her personal residence into a lean green eco-efficient machine. Julia became more environmentally conscious after having children. If you've got it, at least flaunt it on something worthwhile.

The Pope denounced Nicole Kidman’s new movie The Golden Compass. Maybe that accounts for the film's tepid earnings at the box office. When The Vatican speaks, the faithful listen.

Private corporation, Clear Channel Outdoor, is teaming with the FBI to display digital "wanted posters." The company operates over 167,000 advertising displays in the U.S.

In crossover news, supermodel, Naomi Campbell, is doing her part to improve humanitarian conditions in Cuba. The British babe turned political reporter plans to interview Fidel Castro during her tour.


CELEBRITY CAUSES

Ever hear of reverse charity? Managers of popular pop duo, The Veronicas, refused to refund a $17,500 booking deposit for a cancelled benefit concert. The proceeds were meant for the family of a boy suffering from brain cancer.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills fame, and actresses Jennifer Love Hewitt and Melissa Joan Hart served Christmas dinner to the homeless at the L.A. Mission.

Singer, Morrissey, donated 20,000 pounds to help restore a youth club immortalized in a song by his former band, The Smiths.

Steven Spielberg and Henry Winkler enlisted the assistance of top talent for the 2007 Home for the Holidays charitable event. This year’s event raised awareness of foster care.

Country legend, Willie Nelson, donated $40K to the town of Vancouver, Washington. The singer wanted to assist special projects in the "town who knew him before he was famous."

Barron Hilton, grandfather of socialite, Paris Hilton, has decided to place the bulk of the Hilton Hotel fortune in a charitable trust benefitting The Conrad N. Hilton Foundation. The foundation supports projects providing clean water in Africa, education for blind children, and housing for the mentally ill.

R&B star, John Legend, knows how to give back. The singer returned home to perform in a "Coming Home Christmas Benefit Concert." Proceeds will fund The Jason Collier Memorial Scholarship Fund.

Corporate retailer, H&M, is teaming up with pop singer, Rihanna and other celebrities to raise money for HIV/Aids.

Wishing all of our readers a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

Celebrities Served 12.24.07

So many prominent sites report legal and political news about celebrities. Not wanting to merely duplicate, the following lesser known shorts were gleaned over the past week from a variety of sources:

CRIMINAL MATTERS

Former Secret Life of Us star, Samuel Johnson, was released on good behavior after narrowly escaping assault charges for punching and stomping a man’s head in a casino.

In Auburn, Georgia, ex-NBA All-Star, Charles Oakley, was stopped while driving erratically and arrested for unsafe driving and impaired driving. The former forward, who had played for such teams as the New York Knicks and Chicago Bulls, claimed he was lost.

An arrest has been made in the death of aspiring porn model and student, Emily Sander.

Formula One race ace, Lewis Hamilton, was fined and had his driving license suspended after being caught driving at almost 200kph on a French motorway. The hot bachelor has been linked to supermodel, Naomi Campbell, and Pussycat Dolls singer, Nicole Scherzinger.

Philidelphia news anchor, Alycia Lane, was arrested after allegedly punching a plainclothes female New York City police officer in the face and calling her a dyke.

Rapper Remy Smith, a.k.a Remy Ma, won’t be traveling abroad any time soon. A judge refused the performer’s request to headline a European tour due to serious pending criminal charges.

However, a Florida U.S. District Court Judge granted Wesley Snipes’ request to travel abroad for the holiday. Snipes faces charges for tax fraud. His trial is due to begin in mid-January, 2008.

Paris Hilton was named Celebrity with the Biggest Brush with the Law in 2007.
This article may have published far too soon as Amy Winehouse remains a formidable contender.


CIVIL SUITS

Facing increased competition from rivals Blockbuster and NetFlix,
Movie Gallery, Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy relief. The chain which operates Hollywood Video, Movie Gallery, and Game Crazy, hopes to emerge from court protection in early 2008.

Putting his money where his mouth is, Tony Parker filed a $40 million lawsuit against the gossip site, X17 Online, for publishing a story about his alleged affair with French model, Alexandra Paressant. Parker vigorously denies the two had sex in a hotel about a month after his expensive wedding to Desperate Housewives star, Eva Longoria.

Dolly Parton’s brother, Randy, was barred from performing in the theatre bearing his name. The singer and local city council are embroiled in a breach of contract dispute.

For the second time, Phil Spector sued his ex-attorney, Robert Shapiro, and Shapiro’s law firm to recoup legal fees and other damages. The embattled music producer, who will be retried on murder charges later next year, claims Shapiro’s shoddy work caused prosecutors to file formal charges.

Goth musician, Marilyn Manson, is counter-suing former bandmate, Stephen Bier, Jr., a.k.a. Madonna Wayne Gacy. The suit claims general and special damages as well as a gag order.

A judge dismissed World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.’s lawsuit against JAKKS Pacific, Inc. and related entities. The WWE had claimed antitrust and federal RICO violations. The dismissal effectively ended any possible pursuit of state law claims.

Reports of Britney’s impending marriage to Sam Lufti have so infuriated her ex, Kevin Federline, that Federline is reportedly seeking a restraining order. With 16-year old ex-sister-in-law Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy news, and Brit’s almost daily exploiots, the Spears family has become a veritable three-ring media circus.


CELEBRITY CAUSES

Paris Hilton’s mom, Kathy, raised money from other celebs to support the Make A Wish Foundation.

Nick Lachey and NASCAR star, Jimmie Johnson, recently formed the "Super Skins Celebrity Golf Classic," a charity event scheduled around the time of the Super Bowl in Scottsdale Arizona. Nick pitched in $125,000.00 of his own money to jump start the event.

Andy Roddick and John MacEnroe played tennis to benefit children with cancer.

Brad Pitt has put his movie career on hold to rebuild New Orleans. The sexy movie star, his companion, Angelina Jolie, and their four children have temporarily relocated to help former Louisiana residents reclaim blighted areas.

Want to know which celebrities are the most charitable and the causes they support?
CTV has published a list detailing generous acts of kindness among the Hollywood elite.


CELEBRITY POLITICS

Alison Jackson's celebrity look-alike photographs continue to irk their targets. Jackson’s politically incorrect images tend to capture the attention of people who are unable to differentiate between the real celebrity and the imposter.

The Dixie Chicks, subject of the popular documentary, Shut Up and Sing are back in the political spotlight. Lead singer, Natalie Maines, attended a rally and performed at a concert supporting the "West Memphis Three." Many believe the police railroaded the three teens into confessing to the sexual assault and murder of three 8-year old boys.

The Mitchell Report targeted athletes for steroid use, but let the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig, off the hook.

Mommy bloggers and celebrity glitterati continue to pound Oprah Winfrey for publicly endorsing and campaigning on behalf of Senator Barak Obama.

Basketball legend, Earvin "Magic" Johnson, hit the campaign trail with Bill Clinton to stump for Senator Hillary Clinton.

Musician and rock star legend, Bruce Springstein, ended his first UK show of 2007 by criticizing U.S. politics.

Shock jock, Don Imus, who only recently returned to the airwaves after making politically offensive statements about the Rutgers Womens Basketball team, kicked back at news anchor, Tom Brokow, saying he wouldn’t want him covering his back in a foxhole.

Irish pop star, Chris De Burgh, will be first Western artist to perform in Iran since the 1979 revolution.

Floyd Red Crow Westerman, an American Indian activist, actor and folk singer who appeared in Dances with Wolves and performed with Willie Nelson and other musicians, died at the age of 71. He was a survivor and symbol of U.S. government oppression of Native American Indians.

Celebrities Served 12.13.07

This is the first edition of a new feature here at The Spewker. A roundup of political and legal news culled from the world of entertainment:

1. The home of the “Voice of Los Angeles,” could be razed rather than preserved as a national landmark. The new owner claims Bukowski was a Nazi sympathizer. [utchmynitz]

2. Akon plead not guilty to criminal charges for tossing a young fan off a concert stage earlier this year. [pravda]

3. PETA is targeting Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, for killing animals to look attractive. [dumbasscelebrities]

4. Media mogul Conrad Black was sentenced to 6-1/2 years in prison for fraud and obstruction of justice. [canoe]

5. Gary Collins has been charged with driving under the influence, but somehow escaped prosecution for manslaughter after his accident victim died. [latimes]

6. Daniel Baldwin’s lawyer wants an arrest warrant dismissed, claiming his client's failure to appear for a scheduled hearing was an honest mistake. [celebnewsupdate]

7. Speaking of mistakes, everyone’s favorite screw-up skipped a scheduled court deposition in her pending child custody case. [babble]

8. Madonna is battling the board of her luxury apartment for blocking her purchase of a neighboring property. [timessquaregossip] Madge recently horrified animal activists by dying her sheep rainbow colors for a spread in Vogue. [thenews]

9. In more New York housing battles, following a dispute with her landlord, Bianca Jagger was evicted from her home. [showbizspy]

10. Looks like a home isn't a castle on either coast. Burglars hit the Hollywood Hills estate of Charlize Theron. [13wham]

11. Shia LaBeouf can breathe a sigh of relief. Walgreens dropped trespassing charges against the handsome Transformers and Disturbia star. [stuff]

12. Handsome rules the day in awards news. George Clooney and Don Cheadle received the 2007 Nobel Peace Summit Award today. [thenews] Clooney is planning a second profile raising trip to Darfur next month to increase awareness of human suffering. [moono] His documentary about the war torn region, A Journey to Darfur, will air this Monday on the AmericanLife TV Network. [usatoday]

13. Sopranos creator, David Chase, is back in federal court fighting copyright infringement claims. A former municipal court judge argued Chase ripped off the successful HBO series from his crash course about the New Jersey mob.[blogonaut]

14. In other claims, the Rev. Al Sharpton denounced an IRS investigation into his non-profit civil-rights organization, National Action Network, as a low-down smear campaign to discredit his forthcoming presidential candidate endorsement. [officialteflontvblog]

15. More smear. A racist slur cover-up from the 2004 manslaughter trial of ex-NBA star, Jayson Williams recently reared its ugly head. [nj]

16. When will the drunk driving stop? Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver singer, Scott Weiland, was arraigned on DUI today. [msn]

17. Adding more fuel to the fires of the Bush administration, the 58th annual Berlin International Film Festival will debut Errol Morris’ Iraqi prison scandal documentary, Standard Operating Procedure. The festival runs in early February, 2008. [loosetooth]

18. Trying to make light of the whole Iraqi prison controversy, Fox humor columnist, Greg Gutfeld, suggests waterboarding torture tactics should become the country’s national sport. [thinkprogress]

Nebraskan Senator Ernie Chambers Mocks American Justice System

And I thought the Maryland General Assembly was a hunka bad. Compared to certain Nebraskan state legislators, however, our Annapolis representatives are a collective breath of fresh air.

I’m referring to none other than Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers. This noble champion of cornhuskers, entrusted to preserve the integrity and dignity of the powers bestowed upon him by our nation’s forefathers, is protesting the injustice of frivolous legal proceedings by filing his very own frivolous lawsuit in a Nebraskan state court. At issue is whether the court has the power to permanently enjoin “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants.”

Oh yeah. I left out one tiny detail. Senator Chambers filed this dilly of a lawsuit against none other than God.

Yeah. God. Anyone got a problem wit dat?

OMG!

A quick glance at this loony tune’s picture indicates he may very well be past his useful shelf life. Fuhgeddabout his ridiculous justification for filing the lawsuit and proclamation of proper jurisdiction over the defendant. Yes, God is everywhere. So what? That doesn’t mean anyone with an ax to grind can haul His holy rump into court.

I have a better one for the Honorable Senator Chambers (hey, that has a funny ring to it, like “Senate Chambers” and the like). How does the esteemed state senator intend to legally serve this little bundle of blather? Saint Peter?

Speaking of old Peter, I wonder if he has anything better to do than stand at the pearly gates greeting process servers. Who’s to say he has a direct link to God, I mean, do we mere mortals actually know? Taking a mighty big chance entrusting a lawsuit and summons to that wily old angel, if you ask me.

This story is too new, too fresh to pin down all the details. I have to believe there’s more brewing behind the scenes than meets the eye. Otherwise, I might be compelled to advocate Senator Chambers’ immediate ouster from public service. No matter how well intentioned, clogging the court system with blather so frivolous it borders on incendiary is not only irresponsible and foolhardy, but a mockery of our entire justice system. Even more so when the putative plaintiff is a state senator charged to uphold the laws of his home state and nation.

Dude. WTF?

Please do us all a favor. Next time you have a yen to make a point, hold a public protest rally instead. You’ll earn more brownie points with the media, as well as the undying admiration and respect of your colleagues.

Besides, doesn’t organizing a protest rally sound a lot easier than trying to serve God?


Update: On or about October 15, 2008, the trial judge threw out the case saying God could not be served. Wow! Sometimes my insight and analysis is scary.

Harry Potter and the Spoilers Final Battle

The battle to protect the secret ending of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final installment in the famous J.K. Rowling series, recently morphed into full blown Armageddon. This time, the ante involves more than just copyright infringement, breach of contract, or tortious interference with business practices.

No, I'm afraid the very soul of Hogwarts is on the line. This is not, I repeat, NOT a drill.

Rowling's fantasmical concoction of muggles, wizards, and witches is a unique benchmark in popular literature. No other work of fiction can claim simultaneous creation through pages and celluloid. Book parties, book store campouts, stroke of midnight release dates, numerous virtual Hogwarts communities, contests, games, and touring buses texture the layers of its spellbinding mystique. Proof of the series' cultural icon status include its immensely popular main characters, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, as well as the movie actors who portray them, Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson.

For each new installment, its extremely fortunate publisher, Scholastic, employs more and more creative marketing techniques to induce Potter mania. This strategy always includes strictly enforced restrictions on public distribution. By placing each new cash cow in a, shall we say, chamber of secrets, Scholastic perpetuates a highly successful method to build media buzz, along with enchantment in the collective hearts of Harry's loyal fans.

But now the swill has hit the fans. Sorry, pun intended.

Of all unlikely places, the stench permeates Baltimore like a thick cloud of deatheaters on a muggy playground afternoon. Yesterday, the local rag's front page headline, The Spell is Broken, hearlded unauthorized delivery of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in Davidsonville, Maryland, to one Jon Hopkins (not to be confused with Johns Hopkins, notable Baltimore philanthropist), ostensibly the cousin of one Mary Carole McCauley, local rag reviewer. Along with Michiko Kakutani, reviewer for the New York Times, Ms. McCauley gave away plot tidbits, cloyingly refused to reveal what happens to who, then tartly dubbed the ending predictable. I don't know how others will interpret this, but to me, her little cat out of the bag means Harry doesn't die.

To make matters worse, some lowlife uploaded individual page images of the entire book for free distribution. Authenticity is questionable, but that didn't prevent thousands of downloads. Then, someone tried to sell a copy of the unreleased book on eBay. Webmasters claimed no responsibility. They were just doing their jobs. Yah-vold!

I wonder if this will change the odds in Vegas.

Rowling and Scholastics are so outraged, they're not only seeking injunctions, they're also issuing heart wrenching appeals to leagues of loyal followers. "I'd like to ask everyone who calls themselves a Harry Potter fan to help preserve the secrecy of the plot for all those who are looking forward to reading the book at the same time on publication day," implored Rowling.

Aw, isn't that nice? Let's make the fans feel like filthy rotten mugbloods if they dare disobey the midnight dissemination edict. Can anyone else picture Peeves pounding a framed version of the edict into Hogwarts Castle?

Wait. There's more.

Israeli citizens are gearing up to join the ranks. Merchants who plan to participate in the release date by operating their businesses on the Jewish Sabbath are suffering a terrible backlash. A segment of the population is deeply offended while people in Tel Aviv don't much seem to care. Muckety mucks are now involved and they're taking names.

Will everyone please take a deep breath? Slowly...exhale...Ahhhh.

Harry Potter is just a figment of J.K. Rowling's imagination. And while I have the utmost respect for the woman and her ability to weave such an enthralling tale of good versus evil -- in the world of wizardry no less -- in the end, Harry Potter is just a well-constructed fairytale. Certainly, people responsible for violating contract agreements and the author's copyright should pay and I imagine they will. What sticks in my horcrux is how we, the fans, are so easily manipulated to eschew the story's final conclusion before an arbitrarily decreed deadline -- a deadline mandated solely to create media and consumer frenzy -- simply because the people in charge appealed to our basic human desire to share a simultaneous moment as a homogeneous community, albeit contrived.

Listen up, people. This isn't Woodstock!

For those of you who can't wait until the witching hour to learn the fate of Harry and friends, or because of religious reasons won't be able to grab your copy at the stroke of midnight, I've discovered a link to the ending. But I have to warn you, the person who wrote it also babbled something weird about Islam on a linked page.

If this is the kind of person you would trust to violate J.K. Rowling's copyright and Scholastic's business practices, then by all means, be my guest.