Save the Cheerleader, Save the World from Hottest Tots and Celebrity Couples

Forbes' Hottest Hollywood Tots is such a crock of publicity horse cocky, I want to steam myself under a hot shower for the next fifteen minutes just to loosen the dibbles.

Joel McHale said exactly what was on my mind - why in the world is Forbes magazine venturing into the world of celebrity fluffaby? Did editors throw the financial sector overboard now that America is knee deep in meltdown economics?

"Oh, we can't break even publishing financial pontifications. Let's add a celebrity toddlers hot or not contest. That'll bring in people clicking like mad."

You'd better believe I'm mad, uptight and mad's more like it. Mad that I had to click through five crappy millileters each time I wanted more information about the listed tots. Boy, Forbes' stuff must really be in the toilet to milk so much out of celebrity gossip.

So I'm ending the shennanigans right now by printing their ridiculous exercise in self-preservation, saving you, dear reader, the torture of suffering through another gazilllion of pages from hell.

10. Samantha Sheen (Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen)
9. Sean and Preston Federline (Britney and Fed-Ex)
8. David Banda (Madonna)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger)
6. Cruz Beckham (Posh and Becks)
5. Sam Alexis Woods (Tiger and Elin Woods)
4-2. Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (in that order)(Brangelina)
1. Suri Cruise (TomKat)

And as long as we're on the subject, I have only this to ask ... WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

How could anyone in their right mind include tug-of-war toy David Banda but omit Kingston Rossdale? Or Johan Samuel? Or Harlow Winter Kate Madden, for that matter?

And what about the inferiority complexes foisted upon helpless and defenseless celebritots who through no fault of their own are subjected to arbitrary and capricious rejection every time they hear the name "Forbes?" It's not like these children ask to be paraded around like a traveling museum. The least we can do is feign a little respect for their privacy.

Not so when it comes to 2008's Best and Worst Celebrity Couples list. You'll also slog through a ton of advertising, but at the end of the day, won't feel any worse for the wear.

Unlike hot to trot celebritots, there's the trade-off component of choosing a profession that unfolds in the public eye. Celebrities expect and anticipate a certain amount of ogle. It's the American way, for goodness sake!

For those reasons and the fact that only one couple per family posted in the best and worst section, no spoilers about 2008's Best and Worse. Go ahead, get your hands dirty.

I won't tell if you won't.

Angelina Squelches Despair/Breakup Rumors

In an interview with Hello! magazine, Angelina Jolie has quieted the bubbling rumors that she has suffered from a bout of post-partum depression and is having problems with her relationship with Brad Pitt. On the contrary, life sounds rosy for Brangelina and brood.

"We have fun, we have each other, and we have a lot of love in our life," she said. "And anybody who has love in their life has something that is much more important than anything else."

After establishing that her life is generally flawless, she spoke about her ever-growing family.

"It's a big, loud, busy family," Jolie said. "They're all great travellers, too, and I think partly because there are so many of them, they're able to make themselves at home anywhere. They can just go into an empty room, take it over, and make it their home, which is a wonderful gift."

Mark Wahlberg says shopped, George Michael is dropped, Robyn gets popped, and Other Celebolitics

Once again, proudly providing a cacophony of celebolitics, the weekend roundup is back.

Andy Samberg's best Dr. Doolittle impersonation has Mark Wahlberg's fur in a huff. On the bright side, Barky Bark probably won't have to turn down any more SNL guest host invitations.

Is Britney Spears channeling Sarah Palin as dominatrix? You be the judge.

Proving bare naked breasts are indeed beautiful, lip engorged Brangelina debuts Angie's nursing photos in the November issue of W.

Who exactly is Swedish pop singer Robyn? Whoever made this ding-dong think she could dis Madonna and live to tell about it needs an immediate refresher course in Peon 101.

For a saucy old broad, Cloris Leachman sure gets around. First sashaying her way to super stardom on DWTS, now recently named Grand Marshall for the 2009 Rose Bowl Parade. Is there anything outside this grand old dame's comfort zone?

The Brit Awards has reportedly dropped embattled pop star George Michael from its short list of lifetime achievement award contenders after his recent drug bust for cocaine and marijuana possession. I suppose all those lurid bathroom stall encounters didn't matter.

The McCain campaign must be going down in flames. Couldn't have been more than two weeks ago this late night talk show host sliced and diced the good Gentleman from Arizona.

Singer Leona Lewis just said no to animal product promotion. PETA's World's Sexiest Vegetarian refused a cool one million pounds to open a sale at Harrods, claiming the sale of such goods constitutes animal cruelty.

Disney's Bambi has been named top tear-jerker of all time and credited with turning Sir Paul McCartney into a lifelong vegetarian. Becoming somewhat outspoken in his old age, the cute Beatle recently launched a McDonald's boycott and issued a new album with lyrics trashing ex-wife Heather Mills.

R.I.P. Eileen Herlie. There was a time when my world revolved around the Fargates and that hussy Erica Kane.

Angelina Back In Spotlight At Changeling Premiere

To follow up on Erin's post below, Angie did indeed turn up for the Changeling premiere looking disgustingly gorgeous and with some fresh ink, to boot. Never mind that she just had two kids. Unfairness at its finest.

Brangelina Love Nest Lost in Translation

Brangelina, the official power couple of 2009, recently made a $2 million donation from their Jolie-Pitt Foundation to create a treatment center in Ethiopia for children suffering from AIDs and tuberculosis. But the official naming of daughter Zahara's clinic may have to wait for the screaming and incessant crying to subside.

All is not well at the seaside Château Miraval.

When not napping or giving free reign to wild mood swing, Angelina Jolie has been busy bashing her baby daddy for work-related absences. She is "fed up" and wishes Pitt would "stick around more" according to one insider. Jolie also engages in shouting matches with her infant twins' grandmother, Jean, who probably just wants the poor thing to eat.

Reportedly suffering from postpartum depression and sleep deprivation, Jolie's behavior appears of little concern to Pitt. "Everyone is well. Everyone is healthy," he claims in a People Magazine interview.

Famous last words.

Loudmouth Roseanne Thinks Jon Voight Endorsement Controls Outcome of Election

Roseanne Barr was once so famous she didn't need a last name.

The once rotund TV star made her way into all the best restaurants, exclusive night clubs, luxury hotel suites, and fabulous parties just by mentioning her highly rated sitcom, Roseanne. The comedienne formerly known as "Domestic Goddess" had no need to be concerned with other "Rosies" of that era.

Roseanna Arquette, a similarly sounding supernova, had a popular song named after her and an extra "a" thrown in for good measure (not that Big Bertha and the comely Arquette shared anything remotely in common). The next possible contender was a hilarious figment of Gilda Radner's imagination, leaving a wide open field for anyone wanting to grab the moniker as their own.

And grab she did, longingly, loudly, greedily, and above all obnoxiously. Practically everyone knew the women's name whenever conspicuous consumption of food preceded emissions of a slightly nasal twang.

I'd be hard pressed to think of other famous Roseannes, but you're welcome to try. Bear in mind that Rosie O'Donnell didn't land her breakout role in A League of Their Own until 1992, while Roseanne peaked at number one by 1989.

Lucy, Elvis, Twiggy, Donovan, Cher, Liberace, Oprah, Madonna, Dolly, Iman, these were the one-word name chic pioneers of the day. Paving the way for upstarts like Roseanne to one day assume the mantel. Lord knows throughout the years she's given everyone their money's worth. Starting with the raunchy stand-up routine leading to a nationally syndicated TV show and one-way ticket out of white trash hell, Roseanne has been huge, both figuratively and literally.

At a time when Hollywood had little use for women the size of Shelley Winters, her massive girth set mouths agape. Hardly anyone thought Hollywood would embrace such a morbidly obese loudmouth. Yet time and time again, Roseanne proved them wrong. By playing wife and mother to a mid-western family as that family would likely exist in the late 1980s, Rosie and co-star John Goodman shattered long-held beliefs of the modern American family, swiftly consigning images of the perfect family from earlier shows like Leave It to Beaver and Father Knows Best to a bygone time.

But Roseanne paid a price for all that candor. Part of her charm was telling it like it is, not the way network executives wanted to whitewash it. Tempers flared, writers quit, and eventually the show was cancelled, perhaps a year or two before its time. But none too soon for network hoohas who couldn't wait for the 800 pound gorilla in the room to leave the building.

Since then, for the most part, Roseanne's career has veered steadily downhill, resting at almost a complete standstill. Her personal life didn't fare much better. After divorcing first husband Bill Pentland and bringing newcomer Tom Arnold into the fold, she embarked upon a series of disgustingly inappropriate talk show appearances, sometimes with Arnold in tow, sometimes not, but always going too far in the "Ewwwwww, I can't believe she just said/did that" department. The marriage flopped after four years. She then married Ben Thomas, her security guard, but that marriage lasted only seven.

Perhaps one of Roseanne's more notorious faux pas was making an idiotic spectacle of herself at a San Diego Padres game opener.

You can't see it in this video, but she clutches her own crotch, makes an offensive gesture, and spits on the ground at the end. Again, hordes of people couldn't wait to see her exit stage left.

This brief history of the mammoth one -- who by the way underwent gastric bypass surgery and finally slimmed down to a very palatable size 10 -- is due to recent reactions against the inexplicable political tirade posted on her personal blog. Many again sit with mouths agape reading her scathing attack against actors Jon Voight, Glen Beck, Brangelina and six innocent children.

Believe it or not, I sort of understand where she's coming from. Roseanne is frustrated For days, the pundits have been making the presidential election about poll numbers rather than policy. Depending upon the polling institution, McCain is pulling ahead of Obama in some scattered areas throughout the country. News like that has got to make a person like Roseanne flip-out. Pitiful shame too because poll results are notoriously unreliable.

The way I see it, her infamous blog entry will forever confirm Roseanne's permanent place in la-la land. Then again, I can't say I blame her. She only did what millions of bloggers across the globe do each morning in the hope of reaching a mass audience. Granted, as a famous one word name former TV star, she has somewhat of a head start. Roseanne is not much different than the rest of us armchair pundits, kicking out thought provoking rants and hoping for link love.

'The neocons who own jon voight and make him dance on the chabad telethons are the worst most elitist people on earth. glen beck and jon voight are their bit**es... both of them are used tampons who must be flushed down the toilet immediately!' she rants like a foaming lunatic.
...

Addressing Brangelina on the fly, she adds, '...McCain wants to continue with the idea of war for profit...the americans are over that thinking now! They have drugged our troops and lower classes into supporting their oil business atrocities for long enough. We want to save not lose our souls thank you. Now go back to making your movies about women who love to handle big guns that shoot hundreds of people to death. Ps....it might be good for your asian and african children's self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.)'

Jon Voight must be rubber and Roseanne glue. From what I can glean, she's the only one suffering any humiliation from her brief foray into insanity.

I don't like the way she browbeats Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, using their multi-cultural family as bait, but then it doesn't surprise me. If I recall correctly, Roseanne was one of the first people in Hollywood to ridicule cross-race adoptions. Probably around the time Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman adopted their son, Roseanne made a crude remark about the adoption of "black babies" as status symbol.

To his credit, Voight issued a tame public rebuttal. Now if we all sit very quietly holding our collective breath, the former domestic goddess may just slither away and reoccupy her place away from the limelight for another ten years.

[Source]

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Attempt Baby Picture 'Exclusives'

The Interwebs exposed Brad and Angie's "exclusive" baby pix before People and Hello could become the most dog-eared publications in newsstands. Looks like we're not the only ones regarding these multi-million dollar covers as spawn. Funny thing is, we used "spawn" to describe the pictures NOT Brangelina's latest offspring, but to each their own.

Bet you anything that's tiny Vivi Marchy mugging slyly on People, already wielding a hint of disarming feminine charm. Between her and big sister Shiloh, Vivienne gets my vote as the future scene stealer of the family.

Meanwhile, lumpy headed Knox Leon looks like Momma pressed that soft spot too hard. At least the Hello cover shows a more square-headed Brad-like Knox, although those bee-stung Angelina lips are such a waste on a little boy.

Katie Holmes Goes Molly and Mo' Gossip

To beef up the profile of our virtual Hollywood correspondent Moan Quivers, we're starting a new Monday morning weekend wrap of tacky gossip and related oddities. No relation to celebrity politics whatsoever. Moani needs more to do around here.

Oh, oh, I'm so excited. I finally get my own regular weekly feature. This is such a step up from that tired pink bot. Thanks, peoples! I'll try not to let you down.

IT'S MOAN QUIVERS !! Wow. I'm getting slightly misty-eyed. Play it, Bruno!

No, wait. That was my other gig. Ah-hem, moving on.

These Aussie guys are party animals. Haimish and Andy, get it? You'd have to be really old. These two aren't. Feeling a tad kindred spirit with young Andy, if that is indeed his real name.

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom continue to deny rumors of a break-up. Kissy-kissy. Next time don't be so public when cozying up to the grease.

Peek-a-boo Nahla Ariela Aubrey (aka Halle Berry's daughter). Oh, show her blink'n face already! That kid's gonna be driving a car before we get a good gawk at her.

Britney Spears would be meshuganeh to poo-poo her parents now. She looks better at this Generation Rescue gala than she has in years. Brit's back in the recording studio and taking a stab at a comeback. Now if she would drop that hideous paparazzo and date some normal people, I might have to stalk other places for dirt.

Daisy, sweetheart, no doubt you are the inspiration for this incredibly funny SNL skit. Dave, darling, there are better scraps in the dumpster.

I feel like I'm reading a spy novel. "The departure began at 3:50 a.m. .... minibus with darkened windows ... sudden spray of light ... very quickly organizing themselves inside ... 'Pouf!' they were gone." No wonder the French reported the birth of Brangelina's twins as a major American news event.

Katie Holmes has been channeling her inner Molly Ringwald. TomKat must be on the prowl for Hilary Swank roles.

Ooooo. Kelly Osbourne engaged? Doooo tell!

Dumkopf. If you hadn't pressured him to marry you in the first place you'd still be together. Sarah pines for George. Duh.

Speaking of pressure, if Jennifer Aniston knows what's good for her, she'll stop swooning all mooney-eyed. Dog Norman has taken an intense disliking to new beau, John Mayer, for good reason, I'm sure.

One of our favorite producer/directors Brett Ratner will be working with his Rush Hour trois star Chris Tucker again. The two plan to bring a big tell all Sinatra biopic to the big screen.

Brenda's back. Shannen Doherty will return for multiple guest spots on the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off, 90210. That muffled sound you hear is Aaron Spelling turning over in his grave.

So... ya think they should expand this spot to a daily?

Weeks Away

Angelina may have a ways to go before delivering her babies (who by the way have just been granted honorary citizenship of Nice with the mayor referring to them as "two little Nicois"). During a press conference, her obstetrician Dr. Michel Sussmann assured the world that she is doing fine, something Brangelina wanted to share with everyone. (How nice of them!) "Everything is normal," he said in both English and French. "She is very well, and she's okay...Brad and Angelina want everyone to know that everything is going well." According to the doc, the twins' arrival will be "in the weeks to come." Throughout the past week, Brad has brought Shiloh and Zahara to visit their mom, as well as Maddox who made a trip to the hospital with a bodyguard.


- Erin Dustin

No Babies Just Yet

A Brangelina Twins Update: Angie has been admitted to a French hospital as she and Brad await the arrival of their twins. Apparently everything is well with the mother-to-be of six and this trip to the hospital was planned.

- Erin Dustin