Live Blogging Celebrity Apprentice Finale: Marlee v. J.R.

Season 4 of "The Celebrity Apprentice" has been described as "Best. Season. Of. Celebrity. Apprentice. Ever ..." by at least one person who left their feedback footprint. Check back here (and bookmark if necessary) on Sunday, May 22, 2011 at 9 p.m. EST for my live blog of the finale. Marlee Matlin is pitted against John Rich and I've predicted John Rich as the winner.

'Course I also predicted The Donald would run for president, so don't go betting the farm.

8:05 EST - Less than an hour to go. I'm kind of excited. This has been a really great season. Promos have been showing a dearth of Dep Leppard. Do they really not show? Or is it all in the editing? Also, can't wait to see if there is a face-off between Nene and Star. It's a live finale and anything can happen.

9:00 Here it is. Finally!

9:02: Where did The Donald find the two slaves to roll out the red carpet? As he takes his seat at the head of the table, the audience applause is deafening, no pun on Marlee.

9:05 And now a retrospective of some of the best catfight moments. "Casper the Ghost," "I'm deaf, I can't hear you," "Don't turn away from me, young lady," "Don't you EVER F--- with me, I'm the last person you want to f--- with" and so on. What a season!

9:07 Last I heard, Richard Hatch was in jail. He was working with Team Marlee on the final task. Wonder if they were able to spring him for the finale.

9:10 Marlee's blue bell-bottom outfit for the task looks like something out of the 60s, not the 70s. Who was their costume designer, LaToya? Oh. No wonder. Both teams have glitches going into the finale. Marlee has the problem with Geoffrey Holder's lawyer and John has the problem with Def Leppard. Suddenly, Holder shows up in his natty white hat, white suit, red tie and cane and the audience claps its appreciation. Marlee is out of the woods. Holder still has that great deep voice and laugh. "You look mah-ve-lous!"

9:16 Ivanka sits at the table radiant. Both Don, Jr. and Ivanka are expecting children. The Donald is already a grandfather, but he's obviously excited over Ivanka's pregnancy. He congratulates both of his children and the audience laps it up.

9:18 Def Leppard shows up and takes a meeting with J.R. He tries to tell them how to open the act and all of them have blank stares on their faces. Malvin, their manager, works it out with J.R. It looks like the performance is going to work out after all.

9:19 On the morning of the task, Meat and Richard have a difficult time getting set up. LaToya complained that Marlee didn't delegate jobs. "If we don't get it done, John Rich is going to win without a doubt," says LaToya.

9:21 Everyone who was fired comes filing back in. Nene looks elegant in a strapless blue cocktail dress. Star is wearing some purple number that makes her look fat. The Donald asks David Cassidy how he feels about Richard being in jail. Looks like he wasn't sprung after all. David calls Richard's incarceration "just and vindication." David was the first celebrity fired, mostly at Richard's urging.

9:23 With some reluctance and prodding from the audience, Lisa blames Star for her firing. Star responds, "It was a game, Mr. Trump. Bring your A game." Not very satisfying. Lisa says she would rather not respond. Too bad. I'd like to see the first person Star threw under the bus hand her a little payback.

9:30 It's the Gary Busey retrospective. "It's fun to be a dog when you're human." "Circles never die." Gary makes a pyramid motion with his hand and says, "Successful." There's more, but you get the drift. "Are you crazy or crazy like a fox?" asks The Donald. "I can watch people's eyes when they're talking to me and know whether they're lying, telling the truth, or making something up that has nothing to do with what's going on," says Gary. Asked about his fight with Meat, Gary says he didn't fight with him and says he likes him well. "I was in focus and stood there like a mediator, giving him his space and his emotional level to ride with." The Donald asks Meat how he feels about Gary and Meat gives Gary a hug. Awwwwwwww. Gary insists on talking about his stint as the PM for Omaha Steaks. The Donald cuts him off. Gary doesn't shut up easily.

9:34 Lil Jon says he won't come on the show again "because it's hard." But prodded again, he said he would. Gary will not shut up about the Omaha Steaks, even though Meat tries to walk him off the stage. Now we find out why. Omaha Steaks co-opted his idea about the Dad, son, and kite. They are now using a kite to promote their product. Gary unfurls the kite and uses it as proof that his idea was good and he should have won that task as PM. Gary is vindicated! Maybe he's not as crazy as everyone thinks.

9:39 The Melting Pot Restaurant shows up with with $25K donation for Team J.R. All the money will go to St. Jude's Childrens Research Hospital. On Team Marlee, LaToya and Richard still don't know what they need to do to set up. Marlee shows up and helps set up the locker room. Meat shows up and helps unload the props. In the end, Marlee does a spectacular job on the set-up and calls the task "an emotional roller coaster." Basically the way she got it done was by keeping her eye on the prize for her charity. Good thing these celebrities aren't playing for their own bank accounts.

9:45 At the event, Meat greets the arrivals in a leather jacket and white shirt. Marlee is wearing a very tasteful green chiffon number. She looks amazing. Richard praises Marlee's presentation and the audience claps their approval. Marlee's commercial is slightly lackluster, but when Geoffrey Holder shows up at the end, everyone smiles and nods knowingly. Holder makes the commercial. Then, the Harlem Globe Trotters take the stage for a demonstration game. The audience loves them! Who are those children sitting next to The Donald? Looks like his youngest, Baron, and Don Jr.'s child. Yep. There's Melania on the other side. The Donald looks a little Presidential, don't you think? Like a wise and welcoming uncle. A very warm family scene.

9:51 Someone else shows up with $250K for J.R.'s charity. He's officially over the $1 million mark. Lil Jon greets the audience as they arrive and disappears to be with his team members. The 7Up officials are not happy. Unlike Marlee's team, there is no one to greet them. However, J.R.'s commercial goes over like gangbusters. The audience is blown away! Now it's time for the Def Leppard performance. Ooops. Where are they? J.R. screams their name and no one shows. Their roadie says J.R. was too early. It's only 6:45 and they're not due to perform until 7:00. "Unbelievable," says The Donald in disgust. I feel badly for J.R. If not for that one screw-up, his presentation would have definitely walked away with the prize. Now it's anybody's game.

9:58 J.R. beats himself up over the Def Leppard mistake. He decides to make lemons out of lemonade by stepping up to the mike with his own guitar and a special song for The Donald. "Don't fire me, don't fire me, Mr. Trump" is the little ditty. Mighty catchy! Then he does an acoustic warm-up for 7UP retro. The crowd is rocking and clapping. I think Star nearly wet her pants talking about her admiration for J.R.'s hail mary. "For real" Jon is proud of him too. He shakes J.R.'s hand so hard and so long you think there might be something special going on between them. At last, Def Leppard takes the stage and plays all their fan favorites. The crowd is on fire!

10:00 7UP officials are blown away by both teams. One says he would hire both J.R. and Marlee. They liked both cans and both commercials Marlee's only weakness was the level of signage as compared to J.R.'s SNAFU with Def Leppard and not greeting officials at the door. Hmmmm. Looking good for Team Marlee.

10:08 Most famous line form Nene to Star: "Shut the f--- up, park a-- b----. Game on!" It's time for the Nene retrospective. Believe me, there were some real doozies. Back to the live presentation, Nene affirms to The Donald that Star got under her skin. "She got to me a lot," says Nene. Star looks over at Nene with daggers in her eyes. "I was a little disheartened as I watched the episodes unfold," says Star. Then she accuses Nene of using the show to attack black women. That sets Nene off. Star keeps trying to talk while Nene talks right over her. There is no way to know what either one is saying. "As a professional woman, I was embarrassed," said Star, "as were millions of women around the country." LaToya laughs "Tee-hee" at the whole confrontation, and vouches for Nene's good heart. The Donald thinks that some day Star and Nene will be good friends again and go out to lunch. Nene and Star disagree vehemently as the audience chuckles. Is he joking? After all the venom that's come out in the news, I doubt those two will ever stand in the same room again, let alone go out to lunch.

10:14 The Donald tells Jack, the interpreter for Marlee, that he is now a breakout star and that The Donald wants 25% of everything he earns. Jack agrees. Ever the businessman, I doubt that agreement will hold water. Both teams are given opportunities to say why they should win. They each get to see the packaging and the cans of the other team. Meat likes the stuff from J.R.'s team and Star likes the stuff from Team Marlee. LaToya says J.R.'s can "pops." But the can is only part of it, The Donald reminds J.R. Ivanka goes out of her way to praise Marlee's presentation. It's looking better and better for Marlee all the time.

10:18 The Donald wants to know why Def Leppard did not come out on time. Who was responsible? J.R. answers by telling The Donald his team raised $275K in donations and that some of the money came in unexpectedly right before his show. "It threw me off," J.R. explains. This guy is one cool cucumber. He doesn't want to blame Def Leppard for showing up late, he says, but then plants the seed in The Donald's mind that they are actually to blame. I personally think Star was at fault, but it wouldn't look good for J.R. to blame a team member. Excellent strategic move on J.R.'s part to talk about the money. Rightfully so, Marlee points out that it was not a fundraising task. True. But The Donald is impressed by the numbers. Maybe J.R. is still in this.

10:21 Marlee again points out that she absolutely would have raised funds if fundraising were part of the task. Sappy music plays in the background as J.R. explains how he went above and beyond the call of duty for the task. "Largely due to your efforts, Celebrity Apprentice has raised almost $3 million this season, which is a record," fawns The Donald to all of the contestants. He sends the six helpers out of the boardroom and keeps J.R. and Marlee.

10:26 "This is painful. This is not easy. But it's got to be done," says The Donald right before he brings out both finalists live. Marlee hugs everyone in the front row, gives Lil Jon five, and reaches her hand out to those in the back. She is really working that room! J.R. comes out, tips his cowboy hat, and throws a cowboy hat on the table for The Donald. Lo and behold, The Donald wears the hat, quickly takes it off, and his hair barely budges. Who knows what that man has on the top of his head, but whatever it is, it's tougher than the a-ve-rage hair.

10:31 Asking each contestant who they would hire, Meat tries to plug his own projects and won't say who he supports. The Donald cuts him off. Nene and Gary say they like them both. Star finally says that both equal out on empirical evidence, but she likes J.R. better. Duh. Who couldn't have predicted that. Star has a mad crush on J.R. "He takes it over the top," says Star. Jon also votes for J.R. Meat tries to speak up again, and The Donald squelches him. "You had your turn, Meat Loaf," says The Donald. LaToya, Lisa and Mark also cast their vote for J.R. Only David says that Marlee should win. I wonder who Richard would pick if he had a get out of jail free card. They should have had cameras set up in his jail cell just for the chance of a second potential vote for Marlee.

10:35 They play a tape of children benefiting from Marlee's charity, The Starkey Hearing Foundation, and my heart melts. Marlee says she deserves to win so that she can help these kids. But then again, J.R.'s charity is the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. What could be more heart-melting than sick children in a hospital? Sorry, but if that's the only reason Marlee has to win this season, I say J.R. has the win in his back pocket.

10:42 Another tape rolls showing behind the scenes at St. Jude Hospital. Again, you can't help feeling for these kids. Many of them are fighting cancer. As J.R. says, they're incredibly inspiring. J.R. gives a small concert for the kids and their parents. The children's eyes are so wide and pitiful, they beat the "Shrek" Puss 'n Boots cat by a mile.

10:44 Well, here's a first. J.R. performs his St. Jude Hospital song live while Marlee and a choir of adolescents in blue shirts and red ties sign the words. They match J.R.'s outfit. Can't remember if The Donald is also wearing a blue shirt and red tie, but wouldn't that be matchy-matchy? No clapping when the number is done. Just jazz hands. The atmosphere is slightly surreal. Nicely done!

10:52 Turns out The Donald is wearing a white shirt and red tie. What is it with red ties tonight? Seven celebrities raise their hands for J.R. Only three raise their hands for Marlee. Now Marlee makes her case. She should win because she never takes no for an answer. "I refuse to back down. The whole time, I worked my butt off. I did whatever it took. I did it for Star. I did it for Hope. I raised more money in one day than any other contestant," says Marlee. J.R. says he should be the winner because St Jude saves kid's lives. "I also raised more than a million dollars. I brought Nikki Taylor back. I gave everything I had to give every time. My body of work compares with Marlee's body of work," says J.R. "I was also the PM more than anybody this season."

10:54 Copping out, Don, Jr. says The Donald can't go wrong picking either contestant. Ivanka also refuses to pick a winner. "I do need one celebrity apprentice," counters The Donald. "And we're going to be doing it in just a few minutes." Drat! He couldn't tell us the winner before going to commercial? How much money does this show have to milk?

10:58 Who will it be? Everyone is on the edge of their seats. The Donald will wait until the last possible second to announce the winner rather than just pick the winner and end the show with everyone milling about live.

"Marlee, do you have anything else to say?" The Donald asks. Of course she does. Do you really have to ask? J.R. does too. "I did not come here to hit a home run, I came back here to hit a grand slam." Well said! The Donald calls both contestants "so so so outstanding." He goes on praising Marlee for an amazing job, but you know whoever he starts praising first is the one who lost. He then praises J.R. for his leadership and for being so smart. "I'm going to do something a little different tonight," says The Donald, taunting, as if he might pick both contestants as double winners. But no such luck. I think in the end, he realized he would have to come up with the money himself for the other charity if he picked two winners. No accounting for sponsorships so late in the game.

"The winner of The Celebrity Apprentice 2011 is ......." wait for it ... "John Rich!"

Everyone behind the boardroom table claps for the winner, except Jack the interpreter. I suppose he was upset that Marlee didn't win. J.R. stands up trepidatiously, unsure what to do next. But then it comes naturally, and he hugs Marlee who is still sitting at the table, presumably stunned.

Confetti falls as I pat myself on the back. For a change, I was right. John Rich is the winner, as predicted. "Good night everyone," says The Donald. Whew! How very anti-climatic.

Top Ten (Plus Five) Catch Phrases of Election 2008

In the waning days of Election 2008, there has never been a greater need to settle the score.

Terrorist ties? Sex with lobbyists? Heavens no, I'm referring to catch phrases.

That's right, those nuanced nuggets that summarize a dramatic or hilarious turn of events in the race for the presidency. Whether a word, phrase or complete sentence, a single utterance conjures up vibes. For good or for bad, they define a campaign. What went wrong, what went right, it's all there between the lines.

Vote for your favorite or suggest your own. Whichever way the election goes, you can still play a part in picking a winner.


1. The one
2. That one
3. The original maverick
4. Rock star
5. Hockey mom
6. Joe six pack
7. Lipstick on a pig
8. Joe the plumber
9. Troopergate
10. My Muslim faith
11. Words are just words
12. Yes we can
13. Change
14. My friend
15. What is it exactly that the VP does?

Silly Haikus With Slice of Celebrity Gossip

Every now and then, a circuit trips. A glitch in the well-oiled machine. We interrupt this celebrity politics blog for a quick trip to the gas pump and massive replenishing of the wallet. In the meantime, enjoy my mental breakdown.

Good gawd, look at you
Somebody finally snapped
Blue is your color

No idea whether this facockte shockwave will load in your browser. Thrown in for good measure. Cheers!

Hey girlfriend, you rock
Kiss kiss. Paris sends regrets
That's so yesterday




Let the Sunshine in
Oh wait, she walked out the door
You can still save face



Sadly, after three years of dating and less than eight weeks of marriage, SNL alum Chris Kattan and model Sunshine Tutt are on a hard break. Can they find a way back to happily ever after? Guess it's back to the salt mines.

PETA "Give Peas A Chance" Slogan Rings Too Familiar

Unlikely coincidence or great minds thinking alike? I know everything published in the blogosphere is fair game, so I'll just sit back and let you be the judge.

Corey and Susie Feldman are politically minded reality TV stars. Corey, a vegetarian, is half of the famous child star duo who lived to tell about his tumultuous rise and fall in Hollywood. He and the other half of The Two Coreys, Corey Haim, were recently slapped with a $1M lawsuit for producing their reality show on another network. I mention the litigation because it may be an indication of other suspect behavior. You'll see where I'm going with this in a minute.

Recently, the actor and his wife re-enacted John Lennon and Yoko Ono's famous bed in protest against the Vietnam War to promote a vegetarian lifestyle. Their slogan: "Give Peas A Chance." Applause, applause for lending their fame to a worthwhile cause.

As most of our readers know, The Spewker maintains a presence on Twitter through our virtual reality character, Moan Quivers. Moan reports breaking celebrity news from virtual Hollywood whenever we get around to updating her bot (which is sometimes weeks, but who's keeping tabs). Moan's different image incarnations can be viewed on our Flickr stream, but in the interests of time, voila.

The original Moan

Moan Quivers on virtual Vogue

Give Peas a Chance Moan

Moan Quivers reports live from virtual Hollywood

"Give Peas a Chance" Moan appeared briefly on Twitter back in February, 2008, then found a permanent home on Flickr in mid-May. I created the "peas" slogan because for some reason, pea avatars used to be wildly popular on Twitter. Lately, the trend has waned. Besides, the pea pod costume obscured Moani's naturally blond hair. The whole persona was just plain wrong.

Feldman's PETA poster slogan made my jaw drop. Far be it from me to suggest someone may have ripped off Moan Quiver's "Give Peas a Chance" avatar in an effort to promote vegetarianism. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Lord knows, The Spewker has likely been flattered that way before. Eh - hem.

One time, if these obvious similarities aren't great minds thinking alike, just once I wish The Spewker would get credit where credit is due. One lousy link, comment, or acknowledgment. Is that asking too much?

Ode to a Cleaning Service

Reflections in My Bathroom

Please don’t judge me by my bathroom

Malodorous molotov cocktail of putrid human debris and psychotic stench
where dust drifters roost in sticky swills of bacteria-laden goo
Cowering undercover miscreants they are,
having no sense of shame or belonging

Each nook and cranny seethes with stubborn caked on stains of mortal refuse,
demanding their due in an increasingly unmanageable score
The sheer inundation of invading infectious microbes reminds
we too are but flecks of dust
Discombobulated fragments of purpose seeking gatherers
forging a unique path
in an unwieldy universe

When did I fire my cleaning service?
Judging by the proliferation of shower mold, it must have been a lifetime ago
I suppose it is time to throw in the towel
Wave the white flag
and give my neighbor's maid a try

Me and my bathroom
We have a lot more in common than I’m willing to admit
Perhaps that is why toothpaste stains and dried up spittle saturate its glass
Dull white blotches of what might have been
in a window of limitless potential

Okay
My bathroom may be a crud-infested wasteland, but it doesn’t reflect who I am
A factotum for hire is just a phone call away
I, on the other hand, claim the power within
to cleanse myself of detritus and detractors
rather than marinate in the muck

Please don’t judge me by my bathroom
The clean one is just down the hall to your left

Puzzling "John Muller" Gossip Tip

Maybe because I'm so green, I don't know how to interpret a gossip tip cloaked as comment punted here at 5:54 a.m. this morning. Around the same time, I finally lapsed into a two hour coma before shuffling the kids off to school and taking the eldest in for out-patient surgery (LOL - in for out - hahahahaha).

I'm so glad I enabled comment moderation. Otherwise, right about now, I'd be completely flabbergasted and flummoxed.

Purportedly, none other than John Muller, dashing co-anchor of New York's CW11 Morning News, is so digging the spew, he's posting whole articles in my comments section, including links to original sources, no less.

Is this some kind of elaborate punk'd? Payback for wee hour spew skewering blogger fraud? Somebody out there messing with my head, trying to get one over on the Baltimoron? 'Cause if so, I'm not laughing over here.

On the other hand, please don't stop sending the gossip tips. Although they won't be published, they're juicy fabulous. Thanks for the heads-up.

I think I love you.

Poorly Written Blog Like a Popular Dumb Blond Chick

Mad? You bet I'm mad. I'm so freak'n angry my eyeballs are starting to bug.

Technology, politics, and celebrities. Everybody's got something to say. Everybody wants to be the next high-ranking blog. Everybody wants their share of the pie. And yet, only a handful of really good, authoritative, consistently entertaining reads actually make it to the top.

Lord knows The Spewker is pock-marked with its share of warts and wrinkles. Ragging other people's work is not my typical style. But today I found something so blatantly awful, I could not look away. In my frozen horror, I vowed to skewer this pathetic excuse for a blog, its obvious desire to cash-in on the celebrity blogging phenomenon so appalling and simultaneously disheartening, someone had to take a stand.

I can't bring myself to publish the name or URL, but I will publicize the page I landed upon after searching Google for "Mariah Carey prenup." I am irked to no end seeing something so incredibly useless grab a front page result. Yes, the design is elegant and simple, a nice tidy package for roaming bots, but where's the justice in that?

It's like the nice but nerdy, brilliant Plain Jane sitting alone at the lunch table fixated on a gaggle of hot boys buzzing around bubble-headed shallow cheerleaders as she chokes down a sandwich and silently prays for the bell. Plain Jane tells herself she'll get the last laugh because she'll end up far more successful than those clods, but who really knows what will come to pass in the future, and besides, no one has asked her to the prom.

It's time someone dumped a tray on this monstrosity.

For anyone who can't read the actual excerpt of "Mariah Carey Gets Married...Without A Prenup," here's the verbatim article,

Nick Cannon’s kinsfolk has addicted he has mated Mariah Carey.

'Yes, we know. He titled us and told us every most it.'

'We are bright for him. If that is what he wants, then we are bright for him. I’m not feat to provide you some details, but we are bright for him.'

A maker near to Mariah said she mated without a pre-nup, because 'there wasn’t time.'
'They hit been affected with apiece another for days, weeks. And she’s ever had a modify on him.'

Now, maybe this translation software or whatever they have going on here works fine when the story is, oh say, two sentences long. But when quotes from real life people come into play, or the story runs for an entire paragraph...this kind of blogging blows.

Not just for people like me searching for well-placed links to beef up their own articles, but for people who, in fact, search to read about this stuff! Why Google -- behemoth that it is -- can't invent some kind of algorithm to combat blatant blogging fraud like this and beat it down with a stick, I'll never know.

Makes me liken the Google bot to a dumb jock on steroids artificially inflating the popularity of an even dumber hot blond chick just because she smells good and hooks up. It's tawdry, cheap, and even makes a Plain Jane want to act like a tart.

Et tu, Google?

Politics Online Shines Spotlight on The Spewker

A wise tech editor once lectured not to publicize one's dark blog. Most people won't notice and when you tell them, they'll think you're a wanker, he explained. Something along those lines.

Duly noted. I have not been laid up with the flu as life in the blogosphere moves on.
As proof, we're in the spotlight today over at PoliticsOnline.

And just in case you're busy with more pressing matters, here's the current link and full article after the jump.

Rehashing Hillary Clinton Judgment Blunders

This morning on Baltimore news station WBAL, noted political commentator Ned Barnett went on the record, identifying the "real loser" of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s "sex-tryst-melt-down" as "Hillary Clinton and her presidential aspirations." To be technically accurate, Mr. Barnett went on the record yesterday in an article posted to his two blogs, but the fanfare remains the same.

After glossing over the obvious loss of Spitzer as a sorely needed super-delegate (he’ll either resign or face impeachment charges) and anticipated tit-for-tat request for repudiation (not rejection) from the Obama campaign, Barnett claims "you heard it here first" as he describes why Senator Clinton trumps Spitzer’s family and political career as the scandal’s biggest loser.

…the real memory-jog will be more along the lines of then-First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton’s misguided belief in a ‘Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy’ as the architect of her downfall, rather than a philandering husband who couldn’t keep it zipped. That one blame-comment, made on the Today Show on January 27, 1998 showed her political blindness in the face of a fact she’d known for decades – that Bill Clinton was a serial philanderer. She knew about Gennifer Flowers. She knew about Paula Jones. No matter how much she would have liked to believe otherwise, her attempt to blame the Lewinsky story on political opponents instead of her husband of more than 20 years shows a serious gap in judgment – the kind of judgment she is offering as her justification for being named the Democratic Party’s candidate.

I, for one, admire a blogger who knows how to self-promote. Lord knows, I could take a lesson or two from Mr. Barnett who, according to his article, will be discussing his position tonight on Fox Business. But at the same time, I’m lamenting my own lack of self-promotion savvy.

You see, Ned Barnett may indeed be the first one to tie the bad judgment of Senator Clinton to a hot topic hooker scandal. But he isn’t the first to posit her zeal to vilify philandering victims as hardcore evidence of her unsuitability for the presidency. No, that person would be me.

When my November 26, 2007 article first appeared on BlogCritics, and later my own blog, the reaction of the blogosphere was scathing, unrelentingly nasty actually, although, somewhat to my relief, the fire-storm faded almost as quickly as it began. I probably should have issued some sort of press release before it did, but then I’m new at this political commentary game. Just learning the ropes of self-promotion.

I have since learned how quickly original thought morphs and takes on other attributes once it launches into cyberspace. Still, should a gutsy forward-thinking blogger such as myself be left behind in the dust?

Just last week, I read about Democrats threatening to vote for John McCain if the party nominates Barack Obama. Democrats threatening to vote for the Republican? Suddenly, the Democratic Party should be concerned about crossover voters? When I was the first to make the same promise with respect to Hillary Clinton, I was taunted with comments such as,

Writing provocative articles is a great idea...if you can write, and if your argument makes sense. But if you just want to stir the pot, you deserve to have your motives questioned. And I don't think anyone who really cares about Democrats winning the White House would have written this article. So I repeat my charge: Romneyite spy.

And that was one of the nicer rebukes!

I’ve written a few other articles noting Hillary Clinton’s inability to lead and judgment blunders, but none so poignant as the first. People rarely comment at my blog, but then I later hear similar thought being bandied about in the news and political media. I have to believe my message is finding an audience, and while that’s a positive development, it would be nice to see accompanying acknowledgment of its origin.

Of course, great minds do think alike and no one is accusing anyone else of plagiarism. But when a blogger is willing to go on the record with a highly criticized, well-publicized, against-the-conventional-wisdom article so early in the campaign, what’s wrong with giving a little credit where credit is due?

Remember, you may not have heard it here first!

But if you did, all I ask for is a link or trackback.

Wasting Away Again in Bloggeritaville

Anyone who thinks blogging is an easy way to make a living is dead wrong. Creating a blog of even modest distinction takes time, dedication, spunk, a little je ne sais qua, and a tremendous amount of know how. Lately, I've been short on the latter. One cannot spam people into becoming subscribers, nor can one force others, after clicking a paid link, to like what they see. Design is good, but content is king. More and more that's a mantra I recite in my sleep.

It seems like every few months, this blog undergoes another upheaval. This time, though, it's for good reason. The Smuckers peanut butter and jelly goobers is practically empty, laundry is piled up the wazoo, every bowl in our cabinets is soaking unwashed, yet here I sit blogging for no particular purpose other than to connect with all of you.

All seven of you, wherever you are.

What I'm trying to say in as many words as I can cram together, is that after five months of honing my writing skills, I was finally offered and accepted a job. A real live job. To write. And make money. So I won't have to live off of Smuckers. Woot woot hooray!

Whether it turns into a permanent paying position in anybody's guess. The trick will be balancing my new assignment with development of The Spewker. Nothing up my sleeve...presto. Erm, here's hoping in time everything will somehow fall into place.

For a short while, these articles may seem unfocused, hackneyed, you know, the kind of navel gazing you hate to read. Bear with me. The blog won't be that fuzzy forever. Probably before you've even realized how the demands of a paying position have left me completely out of touch, I'll be raring to go back in tip top form with the blather you've come to know and love. Okay. Maybe not love, but enjoy. Trust? Uh, not that either?

Well then, why in heaven do you drop by? Surely it can't be for Moan? What? It is? In that case, you've got nothing to worry about. Our other features, including reports from Moan Quivers, will continue to update just like they have in the past.

All execpt for next week when the blog will go completely dark. What? You're unhappy you're the last one to know? Pshaw. We haven't even told Moan. She thinks she's going on celebrity assignment to Hawaii. All expenses paid.

Won't she be surprised when she finds out it's a one-way bus ticket to Poughkeepsie?

Sad Saga of O.J. Simpson and Other True Confessions

O.J. Simpson is back in the news, this time for something really bizarre, if that’s even possible. About three weeks prior to the alleged armed robbery that landed him in jail, the FBI blew off warnings about the self-organized sting operation from "O.G.loved One" and his co-conspirator, Thomas Riccio, refusing to take part in another “weird celebrity case.” According to the Jordan Falls News,

|FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller said Riccio did not indicate a crime
|would be committed.

So, let me get this straight. The FBI plopped a gob of goo on the laps of Nevada authorities because the idiots who orchestrated this reality TV heist neglected to inform the feds about possible use of force? How exactly did the FBI envision an O.J. confrontation with an alleged memorabilia-stealing wheeler-dealer?

“Hello there. I’m O.J. Simpson. Would you like me to autograph this stuff? Gee, thanks. Now that I’ve got everything I need, I’ll be seeing you around…”?

It’s bad enough the feds sat on intelligence normally channeled to local authorities, but what goads me is their insipid excuse for doing so. That got me thinking about the O.J. saga in general and how this development from another planet is one more miserable notch in the “couldn’t make this stuff up” belt.

Of course, when it comes to making stuff up, O.J. takes top honors. Who else would have the unmitigated gall to pen something as rancid as If I Did It, call it fiction, and expect to profit? I couldn’t bring myself to look at this repackaged tripe and, apparently, neither could a lot of other people. Thankfully, the "O.G.loved One's" ill-advised foray into true crime confession is now #125 on Amazon.com, although I do feel for the Goldman family as the book’s gathering freefall means less sour grapes for the juice.

When the book placed in the top ten, it stood in a class all its own. Nothing from its genre had ever garnered so much attention. In fact, the book paved the way for anyone – group, individual or heir -- wanting to peddle a compelling true story as fiction. I had a strange inkling about a possible literary trend, so I decided to do some digging around. What I uprooted is indeed stranger than fiction. Take a look at the top seven manuscripts rumored for publishing in 2008:

1. If We Perpetrated A Cover Up, by the Warren Commission
Subject: Assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
Summary: Back in the day, before Freedom of Information and the JFK Records Act, there was no need to consider a conspiracy. We could pretty much investigate however we pleased. The development of forensic science was primitive in comparison to today’s methodologies. Also, the lack of meaningful oversight allowed us to omit key information with no immediate consequences. As the months dragged on, it became readily apparent if we reported the destruction of material evidence or numerous irregularities in our own fact-finding mission, then too many “good old boys” would lose their jobs. Blaming a dead man and those bozos in the Secret Service became our ticket out of Dodge.

2. If I Caused It, by Yoko Ono
Subject: The break up of The Beatles.
Summary: John always most talented of that group. But inside, he still insecure like little boy. From minute we meet eyes, John drawn to me, like young butterfly to flowing nectar. I suppose it not hurt I also master of ancient Japanese technique. I plan all those bed-ins, make John my sex slave. Very soon, John do exactly as I say. I say world revolve around us, not mopheads. John take me everywhere, let me deal with cheeky leeches. Everyone fight. Only one sure way to make end.

3. If We Pushed Illegal Drugs To Do Our Dirty Work , by George H.W. Bush
Subject: Ending the counter-culture revolution.
Summary: All those commie subversives from the ‘60s -- Black Panthers, Brown Berets, Cesar Chavez, Martin Luther King, Jr., Young Lords, Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee – they all swore an oath to destroy America. Our secret intelligence tried every known tactic to squelch those vermin. Yet, as fast as we could pick ‘em off, another would take their place. The CIA still denies any involvement in illegal drug trafficking, but it took me less than a year to find out how we were sweeping those pinkos off the streets into the crack houses and prisons where they belonged. Of course, with my political aspirations being what they were, once I caught on, I had to resign my position as Director. Told everyone I needed to spend more time with Babs.

4. If I Erased It, by Rose Mary Woods, as told by her best friend (name withheld upon request)
Subject: The missing Watergate tapes.
Summary: In a desperate attempt to save my career, I purposefully erased about ten minutes of those tapes. Even an average jane secretary knows her boss is going down when he’s reckless enough to record himself disparaging minorities. I swore an oath to Tricky I’d never tell, but seeing as how he resigned, I can’t see the harm now. I immediately stopped erasing when an aid barged through my door. After everyone had left the office for the day, I went back to retrieve an old sweater. There was Tricky, all flustered and sweating like a cow, poor thing. He was desperate to work the erase pedal. I gently tried to show him how, but he stubbornly insisted on doing it himself. Before he could get the hang of it, Pat barged in. She ordered him upstairs. I quickly put on my sweater and left. Heard her saying something about finishing what he started. Never did learn what.

5. If Humans Were Bred With Extraterrestrials , by Paul Bennewitz, as told
by an extremely concerned neighbor (name withheld upon request)
Subject: Area 51.
Summary: They poisoned me, those S.O.B.s, my mind, my water, all my food, everything I hold near and dear. They know it, I know it, and now the whole world will know. They used that off limits base to breed humans with aliens. It’s the only way the United States will remain a world power. When I found out, they implanted a chip in my brain to keep me from blabbing. They know it, I know it, and now the whole world will know. Don’t mind all the crazy drawings posted on my walls. Do you hear voices? I need a cigarette. Will you please make the voices stop? Where’s my cheese?

6. If It Wasn’t An Accident, by Prince Philip
Subject: Death of Princess Diana.
Summary: I always felt responsible for forcing that disastrous marriage, more so when she and poor Charles divorced. Those half naked tabloid pictures with that ghastly Arab, well, that’s what did her in, I’m afraid. As mother of heir to the royal throne, she still had our dignity to maintain. Bett tried to warn her by floating rumors, but the little tart paid no mind. She left the House of Windsor no choice. Putting my brilliant stroke of genius into action was quite easy, really. We knew her itinerary. We had a discreet link inside the DGSE. We set up a ruse for some chap to pose as a photographer. The rest, shall we say, is history. My one regret is Henri. He wasn’t supposed to be on service detail.

7. If Daddy Orchestrated It, by Jenna Bush
Subject: 9/11.
Summary: It’s no secret Daddy used drugs and alcohol to cope with his inadequacies. I’ll be the first to confess, being the do nothing offspring of a powerful man is mucho depress-o. At some point, Mum threatened to leave Daddy unless he sobered up. The next thing I knew, Grandpa and Uncle Dick promised Daddy the White House in return for a whole buncha stuff. Something about that Bin Laden dude and Halliburton. Does Saudi mean anything to y’all? Anyhoo, every who was anyone in the Republican party leaned all over those supreme court robes to sway Daddy’s election. Then, Condi worked out a plan involving stealth planes and missile fire -- still a tad hazy on details – something about increasing Daddy’s ratings in opinion polls to impress Mum. I feel bad innocent people had to die, but I’m sure glad my folks stayed together. Umm. Well. Can y’all excuse me? Henry and I gotta party.

New Contest for Desperate Niche Seekers

Neophyte bloggers are so newbie. They conjure up images of scarf-headed bundle-toting old country immigrants trudging bleary-eyed across Ellis Island as they try to carve out a meager existence in the Brave New World. Color me newbie.

Almost three full months after starting this site, I'm still trying to beat a recognizable path through the blogosphere. Fortitude, gumption, whatever it's called, I got it. I just want to be sure it's not in my underwear.

A will to succeed is not enough. What this blogger needs is a good mentor. Can I reach the promised land if I'm flying solo, or will I forever wander in the foresaken desert, doomed for all eternity to remain without a clue?

Don't answer that. Please, don't. Oh fine...go ahead ... if you must.

To date, no one has offered to take me under their wing or even thrown me a bone. Plenty of bloggers shelling out tips I managed to learn myself, but no one offering the kind of information this blog needs to take off. I suppose I shouldn't expect charitable advice from perfect strangers, but then again, it's not so unreasonable to try, is it? Well?

I network. I join. I submit. I e-mail. I return favors. I comment. I basically do all the things the experts say to get noticed, but nothing seems to work... at least not the way I would expect things to work after two and a half months of shameless self promotion.

Someone needs to write a book. I mean it. The definitive book on everything bloggers need to know to survive in cyberspace. Call it "The Bloggers Essential Survival Guide," and include chapters on networking, communities, SEO, design, the whole shebang from A to Z. I swear, whoever could publish a book like that would make a fortune. Especially if they could price it at $9.95 or less. Anyone with daily access to a computer has ten bucks to spare, right?

Dang, if I wasn't so busy spewing my guts out in this blog, I'd write the darn thing myself. Of course, with what little I know, no one would read it. But why should that matter? Plenty of people hold themselves out as experts when they are only capable of flying under the radar. Just take a look at our president. Sorry, Dubs.

Yesterday, I spent a ton of time networking on one of my favorite sites, MyBlogCatalog. This is a great community. Easy to navigate, no heavy duty rules, lots of good people on board, and plenty to do. Bloggers seem to hang out there 24/7. Plus, the site is a wonderful resource tool for people who want to do more than hobby blog. I finally figured out that anyone can post a discussion thread and each time a member responds to it, the thread goes viral. So very cool, I almost had to wear a scarf. Not.

But getting back to the point of this article. The reason I bring up the viral discussion threads at MyBlogCatalog is because I decided to start one myself. Nothing major. Just a little contest to entice people to post about successful niches. If you don't know what a niche is, you have no right reading the rest of this article. Go take a look at my Stompt the Spew feature. It's much lighter fare with a little kicker at the end -- a rating tool for this blog at MyBlogCatalog. Make sure to use the tool when you're done. Better yet, go use the tool now.

How do I get off on these tangents?

About the contest. I liked the idea of running a contest for great niche ideas so much that I decided to set up the contest here as well. Spewker's new contest feature design is somewhat lame, I know, but in my defense, I didn't feel like shelling out the cash to upgrade. So what if the wording at the top of the shoutbox makes me look like a complete idiot. I'm a newb. Experienced bloggers almost expect my blog to look like an amateur. I think they might even feel threatened if the blog had an immediate professional look. I know I would.

Please don't be shy. Anyone can post a short blurb about a terrific niche. It doesn't even have to be a niche you use. It can be one you saw somewhere else. The idea just has to be impressive to be a contender. Also, don't worry about copycats. Good niches were meant to be tweaked not duplicated.

Coffee, tea, or tweaked? I'll have coffe and a touch of tweak, thank you. Better throw in some Splenda for good measure.

If a niche is so vulnerable to duplication, it's really not worth posting about anyway. Sooner or later, people are going to find the little bugger and copy it. That's just the way things seem to happen online. Good people, let me reassure you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by posting a good niche idea. Go to my shoutbox and do it now!

Who knows? Once I've gathered enough information, I might officially stop being a newb. My goal is to use all the posted responses in an article about my contest and its results. As stated, I intend to give the winner a prominent mention on The Spewker, and a permalink to the URL of choice. A cash prize is still in the works, but may not be in the cards. I'm very open to the possibility as long as I get posts with hot ideas.

Hey....why didn't I think of this sooner. A blog about the outcomes of contests. How cool is that? Somebody...anybody...please digg this lightening bolt. I'm so ready to pack up and call it a night.

Update: About two weeks after this article posted, I took the shoutbox down. No one was interested in sharing niche ideas. In fact, people seemed afraid of sharing niche ideas, like I would copy them or something. Today's date is Super Tuesday, 2008. As of today, I've personally seen at least two other celebrity sites start to copy some of my format, and at least one other site publish more content about celebrity politics. These were all sites I had followed early on and monitored, so I know their changes came after mine. I'm not accusing anyone of actually copying The Spewker, mind you. I'm a firm believer of copying being the highest form of flattery and great minds thinking alike. I'm only saying that no one on the Internet has a monopoly on ideas and anything good can and will be copied. Get used to it. And help out your fellow bloggers. You never know how and when they may be able to repay your act of kindness.

The Nada, Nothing, Zip of Writer's Block

I'm certain this happens to the best of bloggers. You have an idea. You sit down to write. A few lines come out and then, nada, nothing, zip. You stare into the abyss. And wait. Maybe you get up, walk around, touch your toes (if you can still see them). Perhaps you're inspired to open the fridge, make a sandwich, and chow down. Still nada, nothing, zip. Tick tock, tick, tock. The theme song from Jeopardy! plays in the background. Finally, desperation sinks in.

Perhaps a little diversion would help...

Now, here's where things gets a little dicey. Only you yourself know what will happen if you distract yourself. If you're like me and think you can handle it, I guarantee you will spend the rest of the morning, or afternoon, or whenever it is you and your PC get cozy, doing anything and everything under the sun except completing your article.

Words of advice: Don't be like me!

Procrastination is very unhealthy. It often leads to massive amounts of unproductive time in front of the PC. This is especially frustrating when one could be doing something fun, like sleeping. Distraction can only cure writer's block if one gets back on track in about fifteen minutes or less. Otherwise, engaging in distracting activities can and often does lead to disastrous consequences.

Like, happening upon a site like this. I cannot believe the audacity of this webmaster and anyone else who multi-level markets this site. Don't sheeple realize if they can buy this, so can a billion others? And if a billion people are trying to peddle something seemingly similar, well then, I'd have to say, at very best, they're peddling poo. But seen in the worst possible light, they're peddling plagiarism. I'm not very good at marketing, but even I can affirmatively state, poo and plagiarism don't sell.

Aren't they teaching anything worthwhile in school these days?

Oh sure. Appeal to people's baser instincts when they're at their weakest. They can't think, they've tried for hours, they've even taken the dog for a walk and cleaned the guinea pig's cage. Still, nada, nothing, zip. Is there anything a frustrated writer can do to cure this malaise?

According to the blogoshpere, plenty. If you don't mind spy ware pop up ads, try The One Word. That ought to do the trick. Or, try this handy dandy educational tutorial. I especially like the suggestion about concentrating, as if that could help when entering the writer's block zone. Doesn't excessive concentration get most people into trouble in the first place? What about the ever reliable Write-O-Matic!? Be careful, though. I hear that one has a possible patent pending. Finally, and my personal favorite, About will lure you with a tantalizing promise of creative writing exercises, then send you to a page with nothing but advertising links. If I could convince newbs to visit pay-per-click sites, why should I care a lick about writer's block? Next.

Sometimes, I happen upon an enjoyable distraction, but that doesn't happen very often. Problem is, that kind of distraction just doesn't help. When I'm done clicking all the funky buttons and examining the minute detail of myriad images, I've still got nada, nothing, zip.

Argh! I'm beginning to go pirate, whatever that means.

Yeah. Wait a blocking minute. That's the ticket! I'll pirate, pillage, and plunge. But I won't let people know I'm doing it. I'll be a little tricky, let them think they're getting good online exposure and making helpful connections. Then, I'll develop a sister site for contests. I'll make unsuspecting bloggers think I just happened upon it and get them wrapped up in the hype. So cool.

Writer's block, shmiter's block. Who needs to write when there are so many easier ways to make money online?